Invisible

 

I am a girl that has

experienced hatred

from men,

 

I am a girl that  has been told

that abuse does

Not matter since I

am a girl and invisible,

I am a girl that has been told

that no matter how loud I scream

no one is going to hear me.

No one cares about what the

rapists did to me,

No one cares about how my

life has been changed forever

No one cares about how I have

been emotionally abused for reporting

what they did to me

All I hear over and over again is

Rape is fine,

We care more about rapists,

We do not care about you,

We promote and protect rapists,

We do not care about

what they did to you

I have been forgotten

and no matter how loud I

screamed I will always be invisible

Why Couldn’t they stop?

 

First time I stayed at campus over the weekend,

First time I drank alcohol,

Took the elevator down to the first floor,

Knocked on his door because was told

My roommates went down to his room

He answered the door.

I asked if my roommates where in his room

He told me no, I turned to walk away but

He invited me in.

I walked in his room.

His friend was sitting on the sofa.

I was drunk and there was no

way that I could consent.

They started touching me

I said no,

They would not listen and

They took my clothes off.

Next thing I knew was that they

were taking turns raping me.

I was crying

I said no.

I left my body.

I did not want to

have sex with them

I was crying,

They told me to get dressed.

I could not find my bra.

They kept my bra

All I wanted was to

get out of there

I was crying

I did not know what to do.

I went up to my room,

I then tried to find

my residence advisor

The police were called,

Went to the emergency room,

The nurse asked me

if I wanted to talk to

A rape crisis counselor,

A woman from the rape

crisis center came

To talk to me,

I was too afraid to talk to

the woman from the

Rape crisis center,

The nurse completed

rape exam kit on me,

She kept my clothes and

gave me scrubs to wear,

She gave me medication to take,

The lady from rape crisis center

gave me her telephone number

Police gave me ride back

to the residence hall,

Once back at the residence

hall, I took another

Shower trying to get the dirt off of me,

Talked to female police

officer following day

She told by female police officer that

it was my fault because I was

Drinking underage and I deserved to

Be raped by two men.

Being drunk does not mean a free

Pass for two men to rape

Rape is a crime.

Time for police officers to start to

Protect the victims of rape and not protect

Damn rapists that committed a crime.

Law says that, “No one can consent to

Sex while being drunk.

So to Universities and Campus

Police enforce the damn law.

And arrest rapists that committed a crime.

Betrayed  

 

Enlisted to serve my country

To follow my

family’s tradition

of serving this country,

And to chase my dream of

being part of something that

Is much bigger then myself,

That has the core values of

Honor, Courage, Commitment

That fight the enemy and

have each other’s back

 

I was raped by a

third class petty officer,

A crime was committed

against me and

Once I made that report

I was treated like

I was the one that

had committed the crime.

 

I was told that I was nothing,

That the Uniformed Code

of Military Justice did

Not apply to me and

it meant nothing.

I was told that I was lying

about what had happened,

That I was the

one that had

a problem because I was

Drinking and that somehow

gave him the

right to rape me

I was retaliated against

and my career was over

 

I tried my

best to deal with the

emotional abuse

and institutional abuse

But that caused me to hate

myself that much more,

I started to get into

a deep depression,

I started cutting and burning

myself to deal with

the emotional pain

That I was feeling.

I had nowhere to go,

There was no

way to get away

from the chain of command

That was abusing me even more

They added even more

layers of pain, rage, grief, to

The trauma that

happened to me.

 

I know that no one cares.

That no one

will listen.

Everyone is protecting

the bastard that raped me

I feel like why

did I not fight

him and made

him kill me

Wait, I couldn’t

have fought him

because I was intoxicated,

Had passed out

from drinking.

I woke up to him

being on top

of raping me.

 

The chain of command

does not care

They sent me to anger

management and wonder

Why I have become

even more angry

A crime was

committed against me

He forced himself on me

I feel betrayed by him and

the chain of command

Been told over

and over and

over again I mean nothing.

I am nothing but a

walking mattress

that deserved

to be raped.

We only care

about protecting

the bastard that

raped you

The Uniformed Code of Military

Justice and laws mean

Nothing when

someone is raped.

 

We will ruin your career,

Promote and protect the

rapist that raped you

And send him to another command

so he can continue to rape

 

 

 

Pain Runs Deep

Pain runs deep,
Deep goes deep my core,
Everything changed when I was 11,
Everything changed when I was 19,
Everything changed when I was 23,
Everything changed when I was 25,
The person I was vanished and learned how to
Dissociate because I wanted to be anywhere else
But in my body.
So much hurt and sadness,
So much betrayal,
So much fear,
So much grief,
So many tears,
So much rage,
Flashbacks, nightmares, being afraid,
Looking over my shoulder,
Afraid to leave the house,
Start to cut my thighs and burn my arms,
To take the pain away,
Tired of people doing nothing about
Rape and protecting rapists
Tired of being told that I deserved it
Tired of people saying that
part of growing up is to be raped,
Tired of people saying that attending a university
Requires one to be raped,
Tired of people saying that serving in military
Requires one to be raped because rape is part of
The military and an occupational hazard.
Tired of nightmares,
flashbacks, grief, tears,
Tired of feeling,
Tired of not being able to look in mirror
Because all I see is the person that
was raped and all of the feelings.
Tired of being a woman, want nothing to
Do with being a woman.
Tired of damn politicians making great speeches
But that is all they all, nothing more than a great speech.
Sick of people blaming me
and other survivors for being raped.
Sick of people making excuses for rapists,
Just want the pain to stop
So much pain that goes deep to my core,
And causes me to want to hide away and
Do anything to take the pain away,
Some days want nothing to do with people,
Some days, like today, just cry because that is
All I can do.

Copyrighted 2016