I am really in a bad mood. I am really tired of working my butt off and getting no respect. I am sick of being treated like I am nothing but a robot, and not being able to go to counseling. There’s just so much going on inside of me, trying to talk to Chief, but finding she does not care, and it is getting to the point where I am afraid of Khaki’s. I am not respecting any of them any more. I just straight do not give a crap about anything anymore. I am so tried of all this bull crap.
There’s been times lately where I have just wanted to hurt myself. I have wanted to cut and burn my arm and times that I have wanted to die. I am so sick of this pain. I am sick of not having anyone to talk to. I am sick of being called a liar. I am sick of not being able to see a counselor. Life just does not seem worth living anymore. I keep replaying that night over and over again. Everything is all mixed together. I feel dirty, used, sad, betrayed, violated, hurt, angry and depressed. I am to the point that I just do not care any more and part of me wants to commit suicide.
I’ve had nightmares about what he did to me. That night I drank so much, passed out and woke up to him being on top of me. I have been trying to keep my feelings on the inside but I cannot do that any more. The thing is that I have to because my chain of command do not care. Why can’t these feelings and memories just go away? I hate how I am being treated. The I was before I joined is one and this place is just for men. The chain of command does everything they can to protect rapists. To hell with me who spoke up and told my truth about what the third class did to me that night.
Oh and there new retaliation that they are doing is constantly having me go to urinalysis. This is the third time in less then two weeks.
Feelings: Hurt, Alone, Betrayed, Depressed, Sad, Fearful, Scared, Rage, Anger, Nausea.
I really needed to write today. Today has been one of those day that makes you wish that you were dead. This guy had a lot of rude comments to say today. I am just so sick of the mistreatment and I am so ready to get the hell out. I am really hurting so much inside. I feel like I should have just fought Troll and made him kill me.
I ran the Physical Readiness Test with my knee being messed up and of course, I did not pass. I did enough push-ups and sit-ups to pass that portion of the PRT. Just go ahead and do me the favor and kick me out. I am so sick of being in pain and being abused every freaking day.
Since I was raped at A School, I have not cared about serving. That person that wanted to serve her country is dead. Troll killed her when he raped me and so has the chain of command with their constant abuse. I want to kill myself. I do not want to be here any more.
I started to work a little in the book, The Courage to Heal. I talked to two of my friends because I just did not want to be by myself. I was feeling overwhelmed and like I needed to cry.
I skip around in the book because there are certain things that I am ready for and other things that I am not ready for. It would be really nice if I could just let myself cry but I cannot let myself cry. What happened to me really bothers me and I keep on blaming myself for being raped.
November 4, 2006
I am not out to sea this weekend because something on the ship is broke. I was able to go to the women’s meeting and I was able to face of couple of my fears. For some reason, I was really afraid to be there today. I met a newcomer at the meeting and was able to talk to her. It was just nice to be able to be there for someone.
I am watching Ohio State Buckeyes play and they are winning again. During half time, I took a nap and then called a friend to see how she is doing. She told me that was making chocolate chip cookies and is going to a barque tonight. My knee has been bothering me for most of the day, so I have had my knee up on two pillows, iced it and taken pain medication.
I am not wanting to be around any one today so I am just relaxing at a hotel room. I am trying to figure out what I am going to do after I get out of the Navy. If I stay here, where am I going to live? What kind of job am I going to have? Do I star looking for a medical records job? Then I need to find a apartment to live in.
I am feeling really sad, tearful, betrayed and hurt. This has been nothing like I thought it would be and all it has been is abuse.
5 November 2006
It’s Sunday morning and I was hoping that I would wake up and that my knee would not be hurting, but it is. I just do not know what to do about this. I could go to the medical facility in town, but then that would make the chain of command angry. I just feel so freaking stuck. I could go back to medical, but the chain of command would say here just take Motrin and suck it up. There is nothing wrong with your knee just like they have been saying this whole time.
November 6, 2005
Today is Sunday and we are on holiday routine. All I have done today is my laundry, and slept most of the day away. I am really sick of being on this ship and I want us to pull into port so bad. I want to be around people that care about me and understand how I am feeling now. I want to see my sponsor and I know that when I see her, I will cry.
This underway has been really long, especially when all of this crazy crap is going on between me and my friend Daphne. We have gotten into a fight because she is getting married and she does not know this guy that well. I would not go to the wedding and she got really hurt. She started working in security and has gotten a big head about everything.
She used to be my best friend, but I have come to the conclusion that you really do not have friends in the military. They are all just acquaintances. I just think that it is better this way. Someone warned me about her and I should have listened to them. I thought that I knew her until this guy came into the picture. She has totally changed and all the rest is nothing but history.