Reiki Jin Kei Do: My Healing Journey

I took the Nia White Belt in July 2015 with an amazing trainer, Kate Finlayson. That was an awesome experience! By doing the White Belt, I developed a relationship with my body. I realized that I do not need to be ashamed of my body and can love my body. I learned where I hold my feelings and memories, and instead of criticizing and hating those parts of me, I began to accept and love those parts of me. Kate taught me to be present, to talk to my body, listen to my body and be loving to my body. I learned that I can dance and trust myself and embody the 52 moves of Nia. She taught me to listen to the music. I am all about the base, and I love music that has drums. I am coming back home to myself.

After this amazing White Belt, Kate recommended that I do Reiki with Haven Carter. I was coming home into my body, experiencing pain in my right knee and left ankle were I held trauma memories. By doing Reiki, I was able to release energy, feelings and continued to process what I was feeling. I allowed myself to feel and permitted the tears to come out. At times, when I was laying on the table, I shook when I got scared. Haven told me that I was safe and that it was my body doing what it needed to do to let go of the energy of all of the traumas. Also, she told me that I was safe with her, that she had me and that I could be real with her.  There were a few times when tears just started streaming from my eyes and Haven just held me.  Also, there was two times after Reiki when I got into my car and threw up. The Reiki was working on all of the traumas I have been through causing a physical reaction.   Sexual abuse is held in the body as I learned repeatedly from taking doing Nia white belt and Reiki Jin Kei Do.


Pelvic Examination


How I have avoided you,

How I do not feel connected to you,

How I want nothing to do with you,

How I want no one to touch you,

This past year, you have

let me know you are there,

I went to the emergency room

to get my ankle taken care of

Next thing I know is the nurse practioner

is talking to me about having a pap smear,

I tell her there is no way in hell,

I tell her that pap smears are very triggering to me,

She makes light of this and makes

a joke about what I am saying,

I get very angry and again tell her there is no way,

As I walk out of the room, she tells me to

think about making an appointment,

I kick around the thought of making an appointment,

I call and make an appointment with the VA,

I talk to a couple of my friends and tell them

that I have not had a pap smear for five years,

They tell me to advocate for myself,

Call and talk to the nurse practioner telling her

that I am a survivor of multiple sexual assaults,

I thought that she heard me,

I thought that she had listened to me

and that we were on the same page,

I asked for anti-anxiety medication beforehand,

She tells me no,

I am very scared,

As the examination goes on, I stop breathing,

I turn red,

I stop breathing and the nurse has to tell me to breathe,

I get a massive headache,

I am in tears.

After the examination, they take

my blood pressure it’s 154/115

I cannot stand being at the

women’s health clinic any more,

I hurry up and leave,

The rest of the day I am crying and shaking,

During the night, I am having nightmares

and flashbacks to when I was raped,

The following morning, I call the

VA to ask to talk the RN,

She tells me that what

happened the previous day was

A body memory,

No shit!!!

I knew this would happen and I told you my truth,

I asked for an anti-anxiety medication beforehand,

I asked to be listened to but you choose to

ignore the fact that I told you that

I had been raped six times and that this

examination would trigger all of the memories.

You did not believe what I was telling you,

And now all of the sudden you pretend that you care by

Giving me a prescription for the medication that I asked for.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Why would I lie to you about being raped six times?

Why do you not listen to a survivor who is telling you her truth?

Why did you not believe me?

Why wait for me to have a body response

for you to see that I am telling the truth?

Hell, if you had bothered to read my chart you

would have seen that I am and have been

am service connected for PTSD due to Military Sexual Trauma,

I am a survivor of childhood rape and university rape,

All of which I told you when I

called and spoke to you before the examination.

All you did was caused another trauma, by not listening,

Not believing when I told you

And now you pretend that you care by

providing a medication and putting in a

consult for therapy and talk me down from wanting to kill myself

Listen to survivors,

Believe Survivors,

Be there


Climbing Mountain


There is a huge mountain in front of me,

I start climbing it,

The mountain in front of me seems gigantic and impossible to climb,

I start climbing the mountain in front of me,

I find a place to grip,

Digg my fingers into the rock,

Find a place to put my feet so that I can climb higher and higher,

At times feel like I am going to fall off the mountain,

At times, this task feels impossible since there is so much pain inside,

so many emotions,

body sensations,



At times all I can do is cry,


tear things apart,


It’s taking everything I have to climb this mountain,

It’s taking so much to face all of the demons inside of me,

It taking so much to heal from so much trauma,

The mountain before me seems impossible to climb,

There are other people higher on the mountain that reach out their hand to me

I grab their hand and know that I do not have to do this allow,

When I feel like quitting they tell me I can’t,

They tell me that they are there for me,

Do not give up,

It’s okay to feel your feelings,

It’s okay to allow the tears to come out,

It’s okay to be enraged,

It’s okay to rest,

Remember to do self-care,

I know you are feeling so much pain,

It’s okay to say, I am exhausted,

Be there for me and allow another to hold you on this journey of healing,

I listen to them and allow them to be there for me,

The tears coming from my eyes like waterfalls cleansing my pain and soul,

I will get through this.

It’s one day a time,

Sometimes one minute at a time,

Sometime one second at a time,

Know that you are loved,

That you are not allow,

You can lean on me,

You can call me anytime,

I am there and I will listen to what you have to say,

I believe you,

I support you,

I am a Warrior,

I am strong.

It’s going to be alright.

I will get to the top.

I will be free .


The Nightmare of Post Traumatic Stress

The nightmare of PTSD is that one never knows what is going to trigger it. One never knows how one is going to respond in a situation and I have learned to try to keep my triggers at a minimum level.  But there are some things that I can not control and tried to do the best I could with this particular incident that has thrown me into full blown PTSD since Monday. I did what my friends told me to by calling the women’s health clinic asking to talk to the Nurse Practioner, telling her my history about being sexually assaulted and why I have not done a pap smear for over five years. I asked for anti anxiety before hand. But they did not hear what I was telling them. You would think  that advocating and  reaching out and telling medical professionals your truth would be a good thing. That these medical professionals would be supportive and want to help you in any way possible. I thought that the conversation had went well. I thought that we were all on the same page.

It all started when I went to the VA to get my ankle checked out. The Nurse Practitioner noticed that I had not done a pap smear for over five years. I told her that I was there about my ankle. There was a student NP in the room and I was not comfortable talking to the NP any further. She kept pushing the issue. I got mad and said, ” I have not done this in five years because it is really triggering.” Then she joked and was like we could knock you out. I told that sounded great because that would be the only way that I would ever do one.  So she told me to get myself prepared, call and make an appointment.

I kicked the idea around for two weeks. I called the VA made one appointment and then called and canceled that one. Then I called back and made another appointment. I reached out to the Military Sexual Trauma Coordinator. I opened up more to the VA then I ever have. I was told last monday that the NP would call me on Wednesday or Thursday of last week. It got to be Friday,  I was pissed that I had not heard from the NP. I  called to the VA to cancel the appointment. It took me getting loud and angry for them to have the NP to call me back.  I told the NP my truth about why I was so scared of the pap smear and pelvic exam.  I thought that we were on the same page and there was an understanding to how triggering this exam was to me.

So on Monday, I go for the exam. I start crying. I turn red. I stop breathing and they tell me to keep breathing. I get a massive headache. They give me an ice pack for my back. I get dressed and leave. They take my blood pressure in another room where it is 144/115. I am still crying and cry the rest of the day and night. Tuesday, comes along and I call the VA to talk to the NP. After seeing my reaction of PTSD, they finally prescribe a medication for anti anxiety.  So today, I have been on the phone fighting with the VA and telling them that I want to be in the Choice Program and I will never step foot in the VA again.  The lady that I talk to says that they will get the ball rolling.

I spend the rest of today crying, talking to the suicide crisis line and talking to a couple of my friends. All of this could have been stopped if they would have fucking listened to me when I said, “This exam is very triggering for me and I am asking for medication. Or better yet, it would have been better to see a real doctor that is a GYN that knows about rape and PTSD.” What happened is fubar and I will never be having another pelvic exam.

So tomorrow, I see my therapist for the second time this week. I have cut my thigh over twenty times because I feel like I am nothing. I want to die. I wish that the bastard who killed me would have just killed me. I wish that I would have cut my wrists and just bleed out.  No one can or will respect me. No one believes me about what happened that night at Super 8 hotel.  No one gives a damn that the bastard straight up admitted to raping me the email he sent me in 2013. I am tried no one caring about me I am tired of everything being a fucking fight. I am tired of no one listening to me or other survivors. I straight up told them what would happen during this exam and they did not care.

It’s the following Wednesday and I am still triggered. I am still having severe PTSD

I want to kill myself. I have fought with the people on the telephone from Choice Program and they just sent Cary Police Department to my house for a wellness check. I feel like I am being raped all over again and my Post traumatic stress is through the roof. I am sobbing. I sob all of the time . I do not want to be around any one.  I contact the Suicide Prevention hotline because I want to die and wish the bastard rapist would have just killed me.

I go to therapy twice a week at Rhonda Chesson’s office which is only five minutes from my house. I do not have to deal with any fucking men. I keep men out of my life. What do I do in a day?

Go to therapy, come home, take a nap, take Giddy for a walk,

Sometimes I go to Pittsboro to do Somatic Psychotherapy

I take my medication Ativan so that I can relax. I listen to healing music and I dance so that the trauma moves through my body.

I Trusted You

I thought I knew you,

Thought that you were my friend,

I thought that I could trust you,

I looked up to you,

I did not know what porn was,

I did not know anything about sex,

I did not know what violence was,

I was an innocent child,


I did not understand what you

Were doing to me,

I was terrified and scared,

I was crying and you did not care,

I did not want you to do what you did to me,

You do not realize what you have done

To me and what this has cost me,


A few days go by,

And I am still afraid,

I have not said a word about

What you did to me,

I do not want to tell anyone,

I do not want to talk about

What you did to me,


A couple of months go by

The shame I feel is getting worse,

The tears are getting harder to hide,

I want to make this all go away,

I do not want to tell anyone

It’s getting harder to hide the pain,


I must have done something to

Deserve you hurting me like this,

I am afraid of running into you again,

I do not want to near a boy again,

I do not want to trust a boy again,

I do not want to be touched again,

I hold the pain deep inside


You will never know

What you did to me and

How what you did changed my

Life forever that day.115449-I-Trusted-You



You set me up to violate me,

You lied to me when you told me that your

Mom was home when she was not,

You showed me porn and you knew that

I just eleven years old and that,

no idea what porn was,


You betrayed me,

You did not stop when you were choking me,

And I was sobbing,

You did not stop when you were hurting me,

You did not stop when I was crying,

You did not care what you did to me,

You did not care the pain that you caused,

You knew that I did not want to do what

You were doing to me,

You knew that I was crying and scared,

You did not care the damage you caused

And then you threatened to kill me if I told anyone,


You tried to steal my soul away from me

But what you have done is made me stronger

You have made me stronger to fight against

Predators like you,

You have made me find my voice and speak

My truth,

You have made a warrior that shouts my truth

From the roof tops.

I am healing every day and untangling myself

From you,



Betrayed at 11 Years Old


You told me that your

Mom was home but all

That was, was a lie,

Many feelings of betrayal,

Feelings of shame, guilt,

of loss, fear, grief, anxiety,

At times I have thought that I must have done

Something to cause you to hurt me the way you did,

That there must be sometime deeply wrong with me

And I must have a sign on my forehead

That says, here molest me,

But then I realize that you are the one

That has something wrong with you,


I froze,

I left my body and went

Somewhere far away,

My body betrayed me by

Responding to what you were doing

To me,

I wanted nothing to

Do with what you were doing to me.

I felt my body and went some where

Far away,

I was sobbing and you did not care


You took so much away

from me that day,

You took my innocence,

You took my child hood,

You took my self-worth

You took my self-esteem,

You took my trust in men,

You took my trust in friends,

You threatened to kill me

If I ever spoke of what you

Did to me,

You have caused so much

Pain, anger, grief, fear, self-harm

Flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety

Suicidal thoughts.


I have started to take my

Power back from you,

I have started to realize

How you groomed me,

I have realized how you

Set me up to be molested by you,


I have started to talk about

the deep betrayal that I have felt,

I am telling what you did to me,

I have realized that the

Shame I feel is not mine,

I do not have to hate my body,

I can come back to my body,

I do not have to stay out of my body,

I am safe coming back to myself,

That I could love my body again,

That my body is my body,

I choose what happens with to my body,


I can express my true feelings

I can sound and tell my truth

I can feel the feelings

That I need to feel.

I can express the feelings

That I need to express.

I can and will continue

To tell what you did to me

And I will be free from you.