Tears

 

All I have been able

to do lately is cry,

When I get in my rack at night,

I cry myself to sleep.

I feel so hurt,

betrayed, violated,

angry, fearful and betrayed

There’s so much

pain inside,

No one that knows how much

I am hurting inside

Always try to be so strong

Trying to keep a brave face

To hide the pain from being

sexually assaulted six times

Going through the motions

Trying to hide my feelings

Finding that I cannot hide

From them any more

Some of the feelings are ones

That I want to run and hide from.

Too afraid to  speak my truth

Because of the pain, but I have

To let the tears come

Afraid of the memories,

Afraid of the pain

 

Afraid of letting the tears come

But deep inside you know that

You need to tell your

story to be able to heal.

 

There is so much grief

So many tears that

need to be cried.

So sick of people telling

you to just suck it

Up and go on like

nothing happened.

If I could  have done,

I would have a long time ago.

 

Chronic Ankle Pain

 

Pain you take over my left ankle,

You bring me to tears,

You bring me to anger,

You bring me to depression,

You bring me to Post Traumatic Stress,

You cause flashbacks and nightmares

To come back,

 

I am immediately back to when

I slipped on the ice,

I am immediately back to when

The EMT’s took me to the hospital to

Get my ankle fixed,

Somehow through all of this,

The memories of being taken

To the ER the night I was raped

Is intertwined with me breaking my ankle,

I do not know why or how to explain this,

All I know is that I feel intense pain, sadness,

Anger and depression,

 

I thought that I had healed enough,

I thought that I had let this go,

Obviously that is not the cause

Since you keep hurting and bring

Memories to the surface,

 

I am doing my best to deal with this,

But there are times when I just

Want you to stop hurting,

I do not want to remember,

I do not want to feel,

I do not want to talk about what happened

But I know in order for you to stop hurting,

I need to talk about this and allow

The tears to come out.

I know that I need to heal myself

On a deeper level,

 

I want to feel safe,

I want to know that I am safe to

Express what I need to express.

I want my ankle to know that

I will not hurt you in any way,

That I am here to protect you

And help you to heal.

 

I want to help you to heal ankle,

I want you to feel safe enough to

Allow the tears to come out,

I want to heal the pain that is deep

Inside of me,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Couldn’t they stop?

 

First time I stayed at campus over the weekend,

First time I drank alcohol,

Took the elevator down to the first floor,

Knocked on his door because was told

My roommates went down to his room

He answered the door.

I asked if my roommates where in his room

He told me no, I turned to walk away but

He invited me in.

I walked in his room.

His friend was sitting on the sofa.

I was drunk and there was no

way that I could consent.

They started touching me

I said no,

They would not listen and

They took my clothes off.

Next thing I knew was that they

were taking turns raping me.

I was crying

I said no.

I left my body.

I did not want to

have sex with them

I was crying,

They told me to get dressed.

I could not find my bra.

They kept my bra

All I wanted was to

get out of there

I was crying

I did not know what to do.

I went up to my room,

I then tried to find

my residence advisor

The police were called,

Went to the emergency room,

The nurse asked me

if I wanted to talk to

A rape crisis counselor,

A woman from the rape

crisis center came

To talk to me,

I was too afraid to talk to

the woman from the

Rape crisis center,

The nurse completed

rape exam kit on me,

She kept my clothes and

gave me scrubs to wear,

She gave me medication to take,

The lady from rape crisis center

gave me her telephone number

Police gave me ride back

to the residence hall,

Once back at the residence

hall, I took another

Shower trying to get the dirt off of me,

Talked to female police

officer following day

She told by female police officer that

it was my fault because I was

Drinking underage and I deserved to

Be raped by two men.

Being drunk does not mean a free

Pass for two men to rape

Rape is a crime.

Time for police officers to start to

Protect the victims of rape and not protect

Damn rapists that committed a crime.

Law says that, “No one can consent to

Sex while being drunk.

So to Universities and Campus

Police enforce the damn law.

And arrest rapists that committed a crime.

What happened to Me at the University of Cincinnati

 

I was 18 and excited

that I was graduating

From high school and had

choose a university that

Was two hours away.

I was trying to escape

from myself and

Did not realize that

wherever I went there I was.

 

I had three roommates and

lived in a coed dorm,

It was October and I decided

to stay on campus

For the first time over the weekend

I wanted to know

what happened on the weekend.

 

There was a party and

everyone was drinking,

It was the first time that

I had ever drank,

I was drinking Hawaiian punch

and Kentucky Vodka

Just like everyone else

The room started spinning,

I became a social butterfly

and was talking to everyone

 

My roommates where jumping

from room to room,

Then I was told that my

roommates went down to the

First floor.

I took the elevator down

And knocked on the door

 

This guy told me to come in,

Next thing I know is that

he is undressing me,

He is touching me and

I am on my back,

I did not want to have sex

with him or his friend

They were raping me

 

When they got done I got up, got

dressed and could not

Find my bra,

They kept my bra as a trophy,

I was sobbing and went upstairs,

A police report was made,

Went to the hospital and the

nurse did the rape kit

I was sobbing and was so scared.

 

The next day, I had an interview

with another police officer.

She looked right at me and

told me that I deserved

To me raped by two men

That is was my fault because

I was drinking underage and they had

Every right to do what they did.

 

I went back to my room and climbed

Up on my bunk

I cried myself to sleep and slept

For over 16 hours

Once again I was told by society

That rape is fine and that

I meant nothing

That men can rape and that I am

Nothing more than a

walking mattress that

Deserved to be raped.

Born a Girl

 

Born with a vagina,

I was given the label of girl,

I was taught to dress a certain,

I was taught to follow

what my mom did,

I was told that

I was supposed

to wear dresses,

That I was supposed

to do house work,

That I was supposed

to be skinny,

That I was supposed

to wear makeup,

That I was supposed to

play with certain toys

Such as Barbie dolls, house,

Care Bears, girl toys,

And that I was only to

be interested in girl things,

That I was not supposed to

be good at science or math,

Once I became I tomboy

I no longer fit into what

Society wanted me to be

since I was born

with a vagina,

I wanted to climb trees, play

basketball, football, baseball,

Ride bikes, get dirty, and play war,

there was something

wrong with me and I

had to be shown where

I belonged in society,

I had to be taught a lesson

and that is when Bug

showed me what porn was,

what violence was,

And raped me,

Then I was threatened that I

would be killed

if I told anyone,

My friend told his mom

and his mom called my mom,

I was then grounded to

the yard and told to just

Forget about what

happened to me

I was told that since I had

been born with a vagina that

I was only here to be raped

and that the laws do not apply

To girls that have been raped.

As I grew up, I still did not

fit into what society wanted

Me to be because I wanted

nothing to do with being a woman

I wanted nothing to do with wearing dresses,

I wanted nothing to do with

wearing makeup and having long hair,

I wanted nothing to do with

sex or my sexuality

Then two men raped me

when I was intoxicated and could

Not consent,

Then I was once again told by

female Police Officer

that I deserved

What they did to me because

I was drinking underage and that

Entitled two black me to rape me.

Then the University sent me

to be evaluated for a mental

Health disorder instead of doing

anything to the two Men that raped me,

I became suicidal and wanted

to die and I tried to kill myself

Once again I was told that since

I have a vagina that I am somehow

Weaker and do not

matter as much as men.

That is was perfectly fine

to be raped by two men,

After all that was what

I was born for since

I was born with

a vagina and men

were entitled to rape me

And the laws do not apply to me.

Then when I was 23, I was raped

again and did not bother

To make a police report,

I knew that no one would

do a damn thing

Then when I was 25 I was raped

by a third class petty officer

Twice in the same day,

I did not say anything until

the next day when a friend

Asked me what was wrong.

She went and told the chain

of command and told them

What I had told her,

They took me to have rape

exam done at Wilford ER,

OSI came and talked to me,

The chain of command blamed

me for being raped,

Master Chief said, “We believe you

but there is not a damn thing

We can do about it.  Here’s your orders

to your next command. Promise

Me that you will go to counseling.

Then the retaliation started,

I was not allowed to go

to counseling at rape crisis center,

I was told that I was lying,

I was told that I was fat,

I was told that I was nothing

more than a walking mattress

That deserved to be raped

My career was ruined and I was

given code of JFT

erroneous enlistment

Then in 2013

when he straight up

admitted to raping

me they still did

Nothing.

I was told that, “We have to

investigate you. We

have to know who

All you have slept with. About

any other reports that you

Have made. We

do not care what

he said in his

email to you.

So once again I was

told that since

I was born with a vagina

That I am nothing

That rape is fine and we do

not give a damn about you

That rape is not against the

law and we only protect rapists.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Spiral

Around and around

the spiral I go,

Going down into

the abyss,

Deep into feelings,

Deep into memories,

Deep into flashbacks,

Deep into nightmares,

Deep into the anger,

Deep into the grief,

 

The tears start

coming out,

Feeling out of control,

But I know

that I am safe

And that there

are people that

I can go to for help

All I have to

do is reach out

And they will

be there for me.

 

 

Betrayed  

 

Enlisted to serve my country

To follow my

family’s tradition

of serving this country,

And to chase my dream of

being part of something that

Is much bigger then myself,

That has the core values of

Honor, Courage, Commitment

That fight the enemy and

have each other’s back

 

I was raped by a

third class petty officer,

A crime was committed

against me and

Once I made that report

I was treated like

I was the one that

had committed the crime.

 

I was told that I was nothing,

That the Uniformed Code

of Military Justice did

Not apply to me and

it meant nothing.

I was told that I was lying

about what had happened,

That I was the

one that had

a problem because I was

Drinking and that somehow

gave him the

right to rape me

I was retaliated against

and my career was over

 

I tried my

best to deal with the

emotional abuse

and institutional abuse

But that caused me to hate

myself that much more,

I started to get into

a deep depression,

I started cutting and burning

myself to deal with

the emotional pain

That I was feeling.

I had nowhere to go,

There was no

way to get away

from the chain of command

That was abusing me even more

They added even more

layers of pain, rage, grief, to

The trauma that

happened to me.

 

I know that no one cares.

That no one

will listen.

Everyone is protecting

the bastard that raped me

I feel like why

did I not fight

him and made

him kill me

Wait, I couldn’t

have fought him

because I was intoxicated,

Had passed out

from drinking.

I woke up to him

being on top

of raping me.

 

The chain of command

does not care

They sent me to anger

management and wonder

Why I have become

even more angry

A crime was

committed against me

He forced himself on me

I feel betrayed by him and

the chain of command

Been told over

and over and

over again I mean nothing.

I am nothing but a

walking mattress

that deserved

to be raped.

We only care

about protecting

the bastard that

raped you

The Uniformed Code of Military

Justice and laws mean

Nothing when

someone is raped.

 

We will ruin your career,

Promote and protect the

rapist that raped you

And send him to another command

so he can continue to rape

 

 

 

Pain Runs Deep

Pain runs deep,
Deep goes deep my core,
Everything changed when I was 11,
Everything changed when I was 19,
Everything changed when I was 23,
Everything changed when I was 25,
The person I was vanished and learned how to
Dissociate because I wanted to be anywhere else
But in my body.
So much hurt and sadness,
So much betrayal,
So much fear,
So much grief,
So many tears,
So much rage,
Flashbacks, nightmares, being afraid,
Looking over my shoulder,
Afraid to leave the house,
Start to cut my thighs and burn my arms,
To take the pain away,
Tired of people doing nothing about
Rape and protecting rapists
Tired of being told that I deserved it
Tired of people saying that
part of growing up is to be raped,
Tired of people saying that attending a university
Requires one to be raped,
Tired of people saying that serving in military
Requires one to be raped because rape is part of
The military and an occupational hazard.
Tired of nightmares,
flashbacks, grief, tears,
Tired of feeling,
Tired of not being able to look in mirror
Because all I see is the person that
was raped and all of the feelings.
Tired of being a woman, want nothing to
Do with being a woman.
Tired of damn politicians making great speeches
But that is all they all, nothing more than a great speech.
Sick of people blaming me
and other survivors for being raped.
Sick of people making excuses for rapists,
Just want the pain to stop
So much pain that goes deep to my core,
And causes me to want to hide away and
Do anything to take the pain away,
Some days want nothing to do with people,
Some days, like today, just cry because that is
All I can do.

Copyrighted 2016