The Boulders In My Life That Shaped My Journey

 

My truth that I wrote under the pen name Honey Badger. I will no longer hide or be invisible. This is my true story of what happened when I was raped and reported to my chain of command. My journal is raw, unedited and tells exactly what happened as it was happening.

Why?

 

It’s too hard to understand

Too hard to comprehend

Too hard to deal with

Flashbacks, nightmares,

betrayal, rage,

Replayed over and

over again in mind,

Do not understand why

you would do this,

Why the chain of

command protects him?

Why the chain of command

ruined my career?

 

It’s wrong, you knew

what you doing

Was wrong.

You knew that I did

not consent to have sex

With you and you raped me,

You took everything

that I believed in,

Trust, Safety, Honor,

Courage, Commitment

Brother and Sisters

fighting the enemy

And stomped that

into the ground,

 

Then the chain of command

broke me more

By telling me that I

deserved to be raped,

That I was nothing more

than a walking mattress,

That it was fine

that he raped me

And that they

were not going

to do a damn

thing about it

Then when he straight up

admitted to raping me

And NCIS

did nothing they

even broke me more

I am sick

of flashbacks,

nightmares, grief, betrayal,

I do not understand

why people

protect you

I do not

 

understand why the

chain of command

protects you

I do not understand

why they protect you

 

You are nothing

but a rapist

You do not deserve to

be serving this country

Your ass should be in jail

How many other

women have

you raped?

The chain of command

does not do

A damn thing

Why can’t the damn

Senate, House, President

Do the right thing and

sign executive order?

What are they getting

out of protecting rapists?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Betrayed as A Child

 

Many feelings of betrayal,

Feelings of shame, guilt, loss,

Anger, fear, grief, self hatred,

At times have thought there must

Be something deeply wrong with me

And my body,

 

I froze,

I left my body and went

Somewhere far away,

My body betrayed me by

Responding to what you were doing

To me,

I wanted nothing to do with what

you were doing to me.

 

You took so much away

from me that day,

You took my innocence,

You took my virginity,

You took my self-worth

You took my self-esteem,

You took my childhood,

You took my trust in men,

You took my trust in friends,

You threatened to kill me

If I ever spoke of what you

Did to me,

You have caused so much

Pain, anger, grief,

 

I have started to take my

Power back from you,

I have started to realize

How you groomed me,

I have realized how you

Set me up to be molested by you,

 

I have started to talk about

the deep betrayal that I have felt,

I am telling what you did to me,

I have realized that the

Shame I feel is not mine,

I do not have to hate my body,

I can come back to my body,

I do not have to stay out of my body,

I am safe coming back to myself,

That I could love my body again,

That my body is my body,

I choose what happens with to my body,

 

I can express my true feelings

I can sound and tell my truth

I can feel the feelings

That I need to feel.

I can express the feelings

That I need to express.

I can and will continue

To tell what you did to me

And I will be free from you.

What happened to Me at the University of Cincinnati

 

 

I was 18 and excited

that I was graduating

From high school and had

choose a university that

Was two hours away.

I was trying to escape

from myself and

Did not realize that

wherever I went there I was.

 

I had three roommates and

lived in a coed dorm,

It was October and I decided

to stay on campus

over the weekend,

 

There was a party and

everyone was drinking,

It was the first time that

I had ever drank,

I was drinking Hawaiian punch

and Kentucky Vodka

Just like everyone else

The room started spinning,

I became a social butterfly

and was talking to everyone

 

My roommates where jumping

from room to room,

Then I was told that my

roommates went down to the

First floor.

I took the elevator down

And knocked on the door

 

This guy told me to come in,

Next thing I know is that

he is undressing me,

He is touching me and

I am on my back,

I did not want to have sex

with him or his friend

They were raping me

 

When they got done I got up, got

dressed and could not

Find my bra,

They kept my bra as a trophy,

I was sobbing and went upstairs,

A police report was made,

Went to the hospital and the

nurse did the rape kit

I was sobbing and was so scared.

 

The next day, I had an interview

with another police officer.

She looked right at me and

told me that I deserved

To me raped by two men

That is was my fault because

I was drinking underage and they had

Every right to do what they did.

 

I went back to my room and climbed

Up on my bunk

I cried myself to sleep and slept

For over 16 hours

Once again I was told by society

That rape is fine and that

I meant nothing

That men can rape and that I am

Nothing more than a

walking mattress that

Deserved to be raped.

 

 

I Trusted You

 

I thought I knew you,

Thought that you were my friend,

that I could trust you,

I looked up to you,

 

I did not know what porn was,

I did not know anything about sex,

I did not know what violence was,

I was an innocent child,

 

I did not understand what you

Were doing to me,

I was terrified and scared,

I was crying and you did not care,

I did not want you to do what you did to me,

You do not realize what you have done

To me and what this has cost me,

 

A few days go by,

And I am still afraid,

I have not said a word about

What you did to me,

I do not want to tell anyone,

I do not want to talk about

What you did to me,

 

A couple of months go by

The shame I feel is getting worse,

The tears are getting harder to hide,

I want to make this all go away,

I do not want to tell anyone

It’s getting harder to hide the pain,

 

I must have done something to

Deserve you hurting me like this,

I am afraid of running into you again,

I do not want to near a boy again,

I do not want to trust a boy again,

I do not want to be touched again,

I hold the pain deep inside

 

You will never know

What you did to me and

How what you did changed my

Life forever that day.