The Boulders In My Life That Shaped My Journey

 

My truth that I wrote under the pen name Honey Badger. I will no longer hide or be invisible. This is my true story of what happened when I was raped and reported to my chain of command. My journal is raw, unedited and tells exactly what happened as it was happening.

Why?

 

It’s too hard to understand

Too hard to comprehend

Too hard to deal with

Flashbacks, nightmares,

betrayal, rage,

Replayed over and

over again in mind,

Do not understand why

you would do this,

Why the chain of

command protects him?

Why the chain of command

ruined my career?

 

It’s wrong, you knew

what you doing

Was wrong.

You knew that I did

not consent to have sex

With you and you raped me,

You took everything

that I believed in,

Trust, Safety, Honor,

Courage, Commitment

Brother and Sisters

fighting the enemy

And stomped that

into the ground,

 

Then the chain of command

broke me more

By telling me that I

deserved to be raped,

That I was nothing more

than a walking mattress,

That it was fine

that he raped me

And that they

were not going

to do a damn

thing about it

Then when he straight up

admitted to raping me

And NCIS

did nothing they

even broke me more

I am sick

of flashbacks,

nightmares, grief, betrayal,

I do not understand

why people

protect you

I do not

 

understand why the

chain of command

protects you

I do not understand

why they protect you

 

You are nothing

but a rapist

You do not deserve to

be serving this country

Your ass should be in jail

How many other

women have

you raped?

The chain of command

does not do

A damn thing

Why can’t the damn

Senate, House, President

Do the right thing and

sign executive order?

What are they getting

out of protecting rapists?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Nightmare of PTSD

A post from what happened to me back in June/July.

 

The nightmare of PTSD is that one never knows what is going to trigger it. One never knows how one is going to respond in a situation and I have learned to try to keep my triggers at a minimum level.  But there are some things that I can not control and tried to do the best I could with this particular incident that has thrown me into full blown PTSD since Monday.

One would think that reaching out and telling medical professionals your truth would be a good thing. That these medical professionals would be supportive and want to help you in any way possible. I thought that the conversation had went well. I thought that we were all on the same page.

It all started when I went to the VA to get my ankle checked out. The Nurse Practitioner noticed that I had not done a pap smear for over five years. I told her that I was there about my ankle. There was a student NP in the room and I was not comfortable talking to the NP any further. She kept pushing the issue. I got made and said, ” I have not done this in five years because it is really triggering.” Then she joked and was like we could knock you out. I told that sounded great because that would be the only way that I would ever do one.  So she told me to get myself prepared, call and make an appointment.

I kicked the idea around for two weeks. I called the VA made one appointment and then called and canceled that one. Then I called back and made another appointment. I reached out to the Military Sexual Trauma Coordinator. I opened up more to the VA then I ever have. I was told last monday that the NP would call me on Wednesday or Thursday of last week. It got to be Friday,  I was pissed that I had not heard from the NP. I  called to the VA to cancel the appointment. It took me getting loud and angry for them to have the NP to call me back.  I told the NP my truth about why I was so scared of the pap smear and pelvic exam.  I thought that we were on the same page and there was an understanding to how triggering this exam was to me.

So on Monday, I go for the exam. I start crying. I turn red. I stop breathing and they tell me to keep breathing. I get a massive headache. They give me a ice pack for my back. I get dressed and leave. They take my blood pressure in another room where it is 144/115. I am still crying and cry the rest of the day and night. Tuesday, comes along and I call the VA to talk to the NP. After seeing my reaction of PTSD, they finally prescribe a medication for anti anxiety.  So today, I have been on the phone fighting with the VA and telling them that I want to be in the Choice Program and I will never step foot in the VA again.  The lady that I talk to says that they will get the ball rolling.

I spent the rest of today crying, talking to the suicide crisis line and talking to a couple of my friends. All of this could have been stopped if they would have fucking listened to me when I said, “This exam is very triggering for me and I am asking for medication. Or better yet, it would have been better to see a real doctor that is a GYN that knows about rape and PTSD.” What happened is fubar and I will never be having another pelvic exam.

So tomorrow, I see my therapist for the second time this week. I have cut my thigh because I feel like I am nothing. No one can or will respect me. I feel like I am just a walking piece of meat that no one cares about.  I am tired of everything being a fucking fight. I am tired of no one listening to me or other survivors. I straight up told them what would happen during this exam and they did not care.

It’s the following Wednesday and I am still triggered. I am still having severe PTSD

I want to be able to sue the VA and Military to get the pay back to the day when I was raped, lost my career, emotionally abused, retaliated against, betrayed, emotionally abused,

Everything that happened this week is FUBAR and I should have been taking care of by the VA. I should have a CHOICE IN WHO MY PROVIDER IS. I SHOULD HAVE A CHOICE OF WHAT MEDICAL FACILITY I GO TO. I SHOULD HAVE REAL INSURANCE AND NOT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE FUCKING VA.  I DID NOT ASK TO BE RAPED, RETALIATED AGAINST, LOSE MY CAREER, HAVE MY LIFE CHANGED FOREVER., LIVE WITH COMPLEX PTSD, NOT ABLE TO WORK.

THE MILITARY AND VA SHOULD HAVE TO PAY PAIN AND SUFFERING!! SURVIVORS SHOULD BE ABLE TO SUE THESE IDIOTS.

 

What happened to Me at the University of Cincinnati

 

 

I was 18 and excited

that I was graduating

From high school and had

choose a university that

Was two hours away.

I was trying to escape

from myself and

Did not realize that

wherever I went there I was.

 

I had three roommates and

lived in a coed dorm,

It was October and I decided

to stay on campus

over the weekend,

 

There was a party and

everyone was drinking,

It was the first time that

I had ever drank,

I was drinking Hawaiian punch

and Kentucky Vodka

Just like everyone else

The room started spinning,

I became a social butterfly

and was talking to everyone

 

My roommates where jumping

from room to room,

Then I was told that my

roommates went down to the

First floor.

I took the elevator down

And knocked on the door

 

This guy told me to come in,

Next thing I know is that

he is undressing me,

He is touching me and

I am on my back,

I did not want to have sex

with him or his friend

They were raping me

 

When they got done I got up, got

dressed and could not

Find my bra,

They kept my bra as a trophy,

I was sobbing and went upstairs,

A police report was made,

Went to the hospital and the

nurse did the rape kit

I was sobbing and was so scared.

 

The next day, I had an interview

with another police officer.

She looked right at me and

told me that I deserved

To me raped by two men

That is was my fault because

I was drinking underage and they had

Every right to do what they did.

 

I went back to my room and climbed

Up on my bunk

I cried myself to sleep and slept

For over 16 hours

Once again I was told by society

That rape is fine and that

I meant nothing

That men can rape and that I am

Nothing more than a

walking mattress that

Deserved to be raped.

 

 

Forgiveness

Forgiveness,

One of those things I have heard a

few times from different people through my life,

Many times I got angry, cried and ignored what

they were saying to me,

Pushed people away from me,

I was not in the place to hear about forgiving

myself or them for what they did to me,

 

 

Now, in this moment, I am ready to forgive

myself for what happened when I was

11, 19, 23 and 25,

I know that the things that I hold

on to that keeps me stuck in pain, anger

grief,  and from living my life,

I forgive myself for not knowing what I

know now, for not leaving,  not fighting him,

believing his threat and not telling

every thing he did to me,

I forgive myself for not saying any thing

until I was in high school,

I forgive myself for sleeping around,

I was doing the best to cope with

how I was feeling deep inside,

I thought that by going to a school  two hours

away, I could escape the pain that I

felt deep inside,

All I did was stay on campus over the weekend,

Drank alcohol for the first time,

 

It’s not my fault what they did to me,

It’s not my shame,

 

I forgive myself for drinking for the first time,

 

I forgive myself for drinking when I was 23,

I was not ready to feel my feelings

so I did the only thing I knew to do,

which was drinking alcohol to numb

all of the pain I was feeling,

I forgive myself for throwing away a year

and half of sobriety when I was 25,

It’s not my fault what he choose to do

me,

I forgive myself for all of the self harm and

self hatred I have put myself through.

None of this was my fault,

They choose to commit a crime

and took what I did not offer,

This was there fault.

There shame,

There betrayal

There violent act.

I work every day to take

back my life, live my life

and forgive myself.

I am so glad that I am able to write,

Cuz writing is the only way,

I know to get the thoughts out

of my head, to tell my truth

and to continue to heal

one day at a time.