Chronic Knee Pain

 

Knee Pain please go away,

I cannot take this pain anymore,

You make doing my job of damage control

That much harder and I have trouble running all

Over the ship to do my job of a damage control petty officer,

You make it hard to run and I cannot run on you,

I cannot do exercises on you,

You bring tears to my eyes,

You make me take over 1,000 milligrams of Motrin,

You make me want to stay off you,

You make me use a knee brace

You make me go to the Medical Department to try to

Get medical care for you only be told, “Here take Motrin.

There is nothing wrong with your knee. You are lying.”

I cannot take this pain anymore.

 

Knee pain you bring me to the ground,

You have my total attention,

You trigger memories from everything that happened

In the Navy,

You bring my Post Traumatic Stress to the forefront,

You make the tears stream from my eyes,

You make flashbacks come to the surface,

You slow me down and make me listen

To what you are telling me.

 

I am sending you love,

I hear what you are saying,

I am continuing to heal my knee

And forgiving myself for all of the abuse,

 

There was nothing that I could do for two years,

I tried to take care of you,

I would go to medical and try to get care,

But all they ever said was here is Motrin,

Do this physical therapy,

There is nothing wrong with you knee,

Keep pushing through the pain.

 

I would rub icy hot on you,

I would put ice on you,

I would stay off of you when I could,

I would use a knee brace,

I would cry when I went to my rack,

I would struggle to make it up the ladder wells,

I did what I could to take care of you,

 

Once I was able to, I went to a real medical facility

And found out that yes you were messed up

And had to have surgery to help to heal you,

Part of the bone of lower leg was taken out and

Four screws put in to realign the patella tendon.

I took care of you and went to physical therapy,

I have continued to go to therapy to heal the

Emotional damage that was caused,

 

Please stop hurting,

I do not know what you want me to do,

I send you love,

I take medicine when you hurt,

I let myself express my feelings,

I talk about the trauma that I have been through,

 

I rest you when you are really bothering me,

Please know that I will do everything in my power

To take care of you and I am sorry that I put

You through so much abuse.

It was not my choice.

Journal entry from 11 June 2006, From The Boulders In My Life That Shaped My journey

Dear Journal,

I am really in a bad mood. I am really tired of working my butt off and getting no respect. I am sick of being treated like I am nothing but a robot, and not being able to go to counseling. There’s just so much going on inside of me, trying to talk to Chief, but finding she does not care, and it is getting to the point where I am afraid of Khaki’s. I am not respecting any of them any more. I just straight do not give a crap about anything anymore. I am so tried of all this bull crap.

There’s been times lately where I have just wanted to hurt myself. I have wanted to cut and burn my arm and times that I have wanted to die. I am so sick of this pain. I am sick of not having anyone to talk to. I am sick of being called a liar. I am sick of not being able to see a counselor. Life just does not seem worth living anymore. I keep replaying that night over and over again. Everything is all mixed together. I feel dirty, used, sad, betrayed, violated, hurt, angry and depressed. I am to the point that I just do not care any more and part of me wants to commit suicide.

I’ve had nightmares about what he did to me. That night I drank so much, passed out and woke up to him being on top of me. I have been trying to keep my feelings on the inside but I cannot do that any more. The thing is that I have to because my chain of command do not care. Why can’t these feelings and memories just go away? I hate how I am being treated. The I was before I joined is one and this place is just for men. The chain of command does everything they can to protect rapists. To hell with me who spoke up and told my truth about what the third class did to me that night.

Oh and there new retaliation that they are doing is constantly having me go to urinalysis. This is the third time in less then two weeks.

Feelings:  Hurt, Alone, Betrayed, Depressed, Sad, Fearful, Scared, Rage, Anger, Nausea.

November 8, 2006 A Journal From The Boulders In My Life That Shaped Journey

Dear Journal,

I really needed to write today. Today has been one of those day that makes you wish that you were dead. This guy had a lot of rude comments to say today. I am just so sick of the mistreatment and I am so ready to get the hell out. I am really hurting so much inside. I feel like I should have just fought Troll and made him kill me.

I ran the Physical Readiness Test with my knee being messed up and of course, I did not pass. I did enough push-ups and sit-ups to pass that portion of the PRT.  Just go ahead and do me the favor and kick me out. I am so sick of being in pain and being abused every freaking day.

Since I was raped at A School, I have not cared about serving.  That person that wanted to serve her country is dead.  Troll killed her when he raped me and so has the chain of command with their constant abuse. I want to kill myself. I do not want to be here any more.

November 7, 2006, Journal entry from The Boulders In My Life That Shaped My Journey

Dear Journal,

I started to work a little in the book, The Courage to Heal. I talked to two of my friends because I just did not want to be by myself. I was feeling overwhelmed and like I needed to cry.

I skip around in the book because there are certain things that I am ready for and other things  that I am not ready for. It would be really nice if I could just let myself cry but I cannot let myself cry.  What happened to me really bothers me and I keep on blaming myself for being raped.