Reiki Jin Kei Do: My Healing Journey

I took the Nia White Belt in July 2015 with an amazing trainer, Kate Finlayson. That was an awesome experience! By doing the White Belt, I developed a relationship with my body. I realized that I do not need to be ashamed of my body and can love my body. I learned where I hold my feelings and memories, and instead of criticizing and hating those parts of me, I began to accept and love those parts of me. Kate taught me to be present, to talk to my body, listen to my body and be loving to my body. I learned that I can dance and trust myself and embody the 52 moves of Nia. She taught me to listen to the music. I am all about the base, and I love music that has drums. I am coming back home to myself.

After this amazing White Belt, Kate recommended that I do Reiki with Haven Carter. I was coming home into my body, experiencing pain in my right knee and left ankle were I held trauma memories. By doing Reiki, I was able to release energy, feelings and continued to process what I was feeling. I allowed myself to feel and permitted the tears to come out. At times, when I was laying on the table, I shook when I got scared. Haven told me that I was safe and that it was my body doing what it needed to do to let go of the energy of all of the traumas. Also, she told me that I was safe with her, that she had me and that I could be real with her.  There were a few times when tears just started streaming from my eyes and Haven just held me.  Also, there was two times after Reiki when I got into my car and threw up. The Reiki was working on all of the traumas I have been through causing a physical reaction.   Sexual abuse is held in the body as I learned repeatedly from taking doing Nia white belt and Reiki Jin Kei Do.


The Journey Back to Myself: A Book of Healing Poetry, Second Edition



A collection of inspirational, empowering poetry written over the course of three years as Julie went on a healing journey to heal from multiple sexual assaults and Post Traumatic Stress. She learned that creating space for deep healing starts with taking some deep breaths to be present in the body. She learned that her body is her home and that her body is safe to come back to. Also, she learned how to love herself again. This is a powerful book that invites you on a healing journey. It is meant for every single person who is healing from something. It’s meant to be a guide for every psychologist, psychiatrists, doctor, nurse, social worker, professor, counselor to use to understand the effects of child sexual abuse, university rape, military sexual trauma, depression, and Post Traumatic Stress.


#foreverchanged  #CSA #universityrape #complexPTSD #depression #anxiety #healingmyheart #becomingonewithmyself #peacewarrior #climbingamountain #heartwarrior #peacefulwarrior #shutupandlistentosurvivors #why #PTSD #speakyourtruth #feeltoheal #empoweredwarrior #courage #strength #journeybacktomyself #reikijinkeido #niawhitebelt #niabluebelt #healing #inspirational #courageous #survivor #selfcompassion #selflove #selfworth #writetoheal

Peaceful Warrior


I am fighting a battle inside of myself,

My enemy is Post Traumatic Stress,

My strength comes from myself,

Memories of what happened to me replays over

And over again.

There are flashbacks,

There are nightmares,

There are triggers,

The pain is so real and I cannot stop the pain.

I cannot stop the flashbacks.

I cannot stop the nightmares.

I cannot stop the grief.

I cannot stop the rage.

I show a brave face to the world but on

The inside I am crying.

Mother Earth is helping me to heal my heart

That was broken into thousands of pieces,

There are many days when I feel like I am broken,

I am determined to win this battle and to heal my heart.

I will not let triggers, flashbacks, nightmares control my emotions.

I will not let those tried to destroy me win this war.

I have awakened and I will find peace with myself.


I will love myself and forgive myself for past harms

I will love my body.

I will continue to grow spirituality.

I will continue to be mindful and meditate.

I will continue to speak my truth and continue to heal.

I will reach out to fellow Peaceful Warriors and

Help them to heal to.

I am Peaceful Warrior.

Pelvic Examination


How I have avoided you,

How I do not feel connected to you,

How I want nothing to do with you,

How I want no one to touch you,

This past year, you have

let me know you are there,

I went to the emergency room

to get my ankle taken care of

Next thing I know is the nurse practioner

is talking to me about having a pap smear,

I tell her there is no way in hell,

I tell her that pap smears are very triggering to me,

She makes light of this and makes

a joke about what I am saying,

I get very angry and again tell her there is no way,

As I walk out of the room, she tells me to

think about making an appointment,

I kick around the thought of making an appointment,

I call and make an appointment with the VA,

I talk to a couple of my friends and tell them

that I have not had a pap smear for five years,

They tell me to advocate for myself,

Call and talk to the nurse practioner telling her

that I am a survivor of multiple sexual assaults,

I thought that she heard me,

I thought that she had listened to me

and that we were on the same page,

I asked for anti-anxiety medication beforehand,

She tells me no,

I am very scared,

As the examination goes on, I stop breathing,

I turn red,

I stop breathing and the nurse has to tell me to breathe,

I get a massive headache,

I am in tears.

After the examination, they take

my blood pressure it’s 154/115

I cannot stand being at the

women’s health clinic any more,

I hurry up and leave,

The rest of the day I am crying and shaking,

During the night, I am having nightmares

and flashbacks to when I was raped,

The following morning, I call the

VA to ask to talk the RN,

She tells me that what

happened the previous day was

A body memory,

No shit!!!

I knew this would happen and I told you my truth,

I asked for an anti-anxiety medication beforehand,

I asked to be listened to but you choose to

ignore the fact that I told you that

I had been raped six times and that this

examination would trigger all of the memories.

You did not believe what I was telling you,

And now all of the sudden you pretend that you care by

Giving me a prescription for the medication that I asked for.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Why would I lie to you about being raped six times?

Why do you not listen to a survivor who is telling you her truth?

Why did you not believe me?

Why wait for me to have a body response

for you to see that I am telling the truth?

Hell, if you had bothered to read my chart you

would have seen that I am and have been

am service connected for PTSD due to Military Sexual Trauma,

I am a survivor of childhood rape and university rape,

All of which I told you when I

called and spoke to you before the examination.

All you did was caused another trauma, by not listening,

Not believing when I told you

And now you pretend that you care by

providing a medication and putting in a

consult for therapy and talk me down from wanting to kill myself

Listen to survivors,

Believe Survivors,

Be there


Climbing Mountain


There is a huge mountain in front of me,

I start climbing it,

The mountain in front of me seems gigantic and impossible to climb,

I start climbing the mountain in front of me,

I find a place to grip,

Digg my fingers into the rock,

Find a place to put my feet so that I can climb higher and higher,

At times feel like I am going to fall off the mountain,

At times, this task feels impossible since there is so much pain inside,

so many emotions,

body sensations,



At times all I can do is cry,


tear things apart,


It’s taking everything I have to climb this mountain,

It’s taking so much to face all of the demons inside of me,

It taking so much to heal from so much trauma,

The mountain before me seems impossible to climb,

There are other people higher on the mountain that reach out their hand to me

I grab their hand and know that I do not have to do this allow,

When I feel like quitting they tell me I can’t,

They tell me that they are there for me,

Do not give up,

It’s okay to feel your feelings,

It’s okay to allow the tears to come out,

It’s okay to be enraged,

It’s okay to rest,

Remember to do self-care,

I know you are feeling so much pain,

It’s okay to say, I am exhausted,

Be there for me and allow another to hold you on this journey of healing,

I listen to them and allow them to be there for me,

The tears coming from my eyes like waterfalls cleansing my pain and soul,

I will get through this.

It’s one day a time,

Sometimes one minute at a time,

Sometime one second at a time,

Know that you are loved,

That you are not allow,

You can lean on me,

You can call me anytime,

I am there and I will listen to what you have to say,

I believe you,

I support you,

I am a Warrior,

I am strong.

It’s going to be alright.

I will get to the top.

I will be free .


Standing On the Edge


Senior year of high school,

I am standing on the edge,

There are so many decisions for me to make about my future,

I am excited about my future but at the same time,

I am feeling lost inside,

There are tears that are coming to the surface,

I am starting to remember what

you did to me when I was eleven,

I have started to sleep around,

Thinking that will somehow change

what you did to me that day when I was eleven,

You changed my life forever that day when you abused me,


All I know how is that I want to get as

far away from my small town ass I can,

I want to get away from the constant reminders,

And the triggers that take me back to that day,

Tears are coming to the surface,

I apply to the University of Cincinnati

because that is two hours’ way from Lucasville,

I get accepted and cannot wait to start my new life,


I have three roommates that are doing the sorority thing,

They are drinking and partying,

I never did that in high school,

So I decide to try alcohol for the first time,


I get wasted,

Two black men decide to rape me,

I have so much hatred for myself,

I swear that I will never drink again and

Don’t until I move to another town,


I start going to therapy to heal of this trauma,

I start going to a support group,

The therapist decides one

night to give us all a depression test,

I get a call a couple of days later

asking me to come in for an appointment,

The therapist that I have been seeing

wants me to go into a day treatment program

I start going to a day treatment

program and make it through that program,

Once I am done with this program,

I am feeling intense feelings

that I do not want to feel,


I start going to a club with friends,

Drinking and partying every night,

I just cannot wait to get wasted because

I do not want to remember what

happened to me when I was eleven and nineteen,

I want the intense feelings to stop,


So I start living for every

Friday and Saturday night,

So I can drink and get wasted,

I can escape from my body and the memories,


There were some nights when this was fun,

There were nights when I almost

got into fights at the club me and my best friend went to,

There are nights when I black out and my friends

Tell me the next day that I did,


One night me, my girlfriend and

best friend go to a strip club to

see her girl friend since it is her birthday,

I do want I am known for,

I start drinking long island ice teas, mind racers,

shots and get totally wasted,

We drive over to my friend’s house

that is twenty minutes away,


I can barely walk from being so drunk,

My girlfriend and my friends best

friend helps to walk to the house,

We go inside and talk for a little bit,


I have to go to the bathroom that is upstairs,

While I am in the bathroom, my

best friends friend comes in the room,

He is touching me and ends up raping me,


I do not say anything to any

one until the following day when

my girlfriend asks me what is wrong,

I start crying and she comes over to hold me,

She tells me that I can

tell her what happened.

I tell her that I am bruised, know

that I was raped last night,

and am hurting really bad,

She tells me we should call the police,

I get really upset, start sobbing and screaming,

There is no way in hell we are calling the police,

She tells me that we

should go to the hospital,

I tell her there is no point in

going to the Emergency room,

I know that the nurse will call

the police and the police will not

do anything except

blame me and shame me.

So we come to an agreement that

I will make an appointment with a gynecologist,


We go to that appointment together,

My girlfriend is there to hold me

and supports me through this,

The gynecologist tells me that I am bruised,

I tell her what happened and

that I do not want the police involved,

She does some more lab tests,

gives me a name to a therapist,

and the morning after pill.


I swear that I will never drink again,

I start going to Alcoholic Anonymous every day,

I get a sponsor and start on my healing path,

I put over a year sober, am so grateful that I found my way to AA,

have an amazing sponsor and started on my path of healing,

Writing A Poem About Pelvis And More Questions Are Being Asked

I am writing a poem about sensing into my pelvis and as I write this poem more questions are coming out of me about what Congress, Vice President, President, Department of Defense, Society gets from allowing rape to happen every two minutes in this country.  You have the military that has the core values of Honor, Courage, Commitment, Country, Shipmate, and Self last. I want to know why these values do not matter. I want to know what people get out of protecting rapists, sexual predators, domestic abusers, human traffickers. I want to know who is lining the pockets of politicians so they do nothing about this issue. I want to know why this is accepted by our society.

In writing this poem, I am tapping into incredible rage, grief, hurt, fear and depression. Writing this poem that I am working on that I might share or not share I feel nausea. After I was raped at University of Cincinnati, I could not eat anything and when I did the food ended up being vomited back up. My soul was ripped away from when I was 11, 19, 23 and 25. Then it was ripped away from me even more when I was victim blamed, shamed, emotionally abused, and retaliated.

My life was flipped upside down and I lost my childhood, university education, Navy Career while the bastards that raped me had nothing happen to them. In 2013, when the rapist sent me an email straight up admitting to it and NCIS still did nothing about it, my soul was ripped away even more.  When Congress, voted to keep the freaking chain of command involved in rape cases, after survivors testified on Capital Hill, more of my soul was ripped away and even more grief, anger, and fear came into me.

In May, when I had the pap smear at the VA and was not listened to when I specifically told the Nurse Practitioner my history, advocated for myself and was not listened to or believed until I had the body response I had and a full blown panic attack; I just want nothing to do with that part of my body.

There is so much hurt, betrayal, rage at the Nurse Practitioner for not freaking listening. There is anger at the six men that raped me. There is anger at society for blaming me and not doing any thing. There is anger at my chain of command for the retaliation, emotional abuse, ruining my career, calling me a liar and protecting the rapists sorry asses. There is anger at Congress (the democratic controlled Congress), Vice President Biden, President Obama for not doing a damn thing and allowing this shit to continue on.

I truly want to know:

  1. What they get from doing nothing about child sexual abuse, university rape, military sexual trauma, sexual assault, human trafficking, domestic abuse, sexual harassment
  2. Why they do nothing about Military Sexual Trauma when you have the military having the core values of Honor, Courage,  Commitment, Country, Duty, Shipmate. Please tell me where protecting, promoting, excusing and allowing rapists to continue to rape over and over and over and over and over again comes into those values.
  3. Who is paying them off and keeps them from doing nothing
  4. What they get from allowing this to happen every two minutes in this country.
  5. Why they think rape is funny.
  6. Why this is acceptable to them.
  7. If they would really stand by and do nothing if one of there loved ones where raped, sexually abused as a child, trafficked, sexually harassed, beaten

Journey Back To My Body and Myself


My journey back to myself started when I stopped drinking,

When I stopped hurting myself,

When I made a decision to ask for help and

found my way to Artemis Rising

When I started to admit that I was raped at 11, 19, 23, 25 and

Started to tell my story.

I started to put the shame where it belonged

On the rapists, society, and chain of command that did nothing.

When I started to talk about what the third class petty officer did to me,

When I started to talk about the retaliation that occurred.

When I started to talk about how the chain of command emotionally abused me

When I started to talk about the nightmares and flashbacks,

When I started to talk about the deep betrayal that I have felt,

When I started to talk about the grief that I feel,

I started to let all of the tears to come out and

Realized that crying is being strong and healing.

I started to talk about how hurt I was when

They did nothing even after he admitted to

Raping me in an email.

I admitted that I wanted to kill myself,

I started to understand that I had complex Post Traumatic Stress

I allowed myself to tell my story and

Allowed myself to feel my feelings.

I allowed myself to say the words that

I needed to say out loud.


Then, I found my way to One Billion and Rising Nia Jam

With support from the women in Nia,

I decided to take white belt and realized that I could come back into my body

That I did not have to stay out of my body,

That I was safe coming back to myself,

That I could love my body again,

The connection was made

That it is safe for me to be in my body and

To love myself,

That I can express my true feelings

That I can sound and tell my truth


Every day I keep showing up,

Keep suiting up and allowing myself to be seen,

Keep fighting and admitting my truth,

Keeping allowing the feelings to come out,

I have the courage to face my demons,

I have the courage to ask for help,

I have the courage to be vulnerable and

Express my true feelings.


I will not give up,

They are not going to win,

They have taken enough from me

And I reclaiming who I am every day.

I am a peaceful Warrior who is discovering

Who I am after so much was taken away from me.


Part of reclaiming who I am means that I have

Been reinventing myself by choosing to

Become a Reiki Jin Kei Do Energy Healer,

As part of this training, I learned that I care

About myself enough to have self-compassion

For myself and others.


Then I took blue belt and realized that I was safe

to feel what I feel and express what I feel

To tell my truth, to speak my truth, and to laugh

To slow dive to the depths of what is inside of me

And to keep pushing through all of the pain.

That I have a choice,

That it is my birthright to love myself,

To have compassion for myself,

To love my body and to be in my body,

That I can be kinder to myself when I feel sad.


I have found my way back to my body and to myself

I am being gentle with myself.

I am listening to the voices of my body,

I am loving myself and

Continuing to heal one day at a time.









The Nightmare of Post Traumatic Stress

The nightmare of PTSD is that one never knows what is going to trigger it. One never knows how one is going to respond in a situation and I have learned to try to keep my triggers at a minimum level.  But there are some things that I can not control and tried to do the best I could with this particular incident that has thrown me into full blown PTSD since Monday. I did what my friends told me to by calling the women’s health clinic asking to talk to the Nurse Practioner, telling her my history about being sexually assaulted and why I have not done a pap smear for over five years. I asked for anti anxiety before hand. But they did not hear what I was telling them. You would think  that advocating and  reaching out and telling medical professionals your truth would be a good thing. That these medical professionals would be supportive and want to help you in any way possible. I thought that the conversation had went well. I thought that we were all on the same page.

It all started when I went to the VA to get my ankle checked out. The Nurse Practitioner noticed that I had not done a pap smear for over five years. I told her that I was there about my ankle. There was a student NP in the room and I was not comfortable talking to the NP any further. She kept pushing the issue. I got mad and said, ” I have not done this in five years because it is really triggering.” Then she joked and was like we could knock you out. I told that sounded great because that would be the only way that I would ever do one.  So she told me to get myself prepared, call and make an appointment.

I kicked the idea around for two weeks. I called the VA made one appointment and then called and canceled that one. Then I called back and made another appointment. I reached out to the Military Sexual Trauma Coordinator. I opened up more to the VA then I ever have. I was told last monday that the NP would call me on Wednesday or Thursday of last week. It got to be Friday,  I was pissed that I had not heard from the NP. I  called to the VA to cancel the appointment. It took me getting loud and angry for them to have the NP to call me back.  I told the NP my truth about why I was so scared of the pap smear and pelvic exam.  I thought that we were on the same page and there was an understanding to how triggering this exam was to me.

So on Monday, I go for the exam. I start crying. I turn red. I stop breathing and they tell me to keep breathing. I get a massive headache. They give me an ice pack for my back. I get dressed and leave. They take my blood pressure in another room where it is 144/115. I am still crying and cry the rest of the day and night. Tuesday, comes along and I call the VA to talk to the NP. After seeing my reaction of PTSD, they finally prescribe a medication for anti anxiety.  So today, I have been on the phone fighting with the VA and telling them that I want to be in the Choice Program and I will never step foot in the VA again.  The lady that I talk to says that they will get the ball rolling.

I spend the rest of today crying, talking to the suicide crisis line and talking to a couple of my friends. All of this could have been stopped if they would have fucking listened to me when I said, “This exam is very triggering for me and I am asking for medication. Or better yet, it would have been better to see a real doctor that is a GYN that knows about rape and PTSD.” What happened is fubar and I will never be having another pelvic exam.

So tomorrow, I see my therapist for the second time this week. I have cut my thigh over twenty times because I feel like I am nothing. I want to die. I wish that the bastard who killed me would have just killed me. I wish that I would have cut my wrists and just bleed out.  No one can or will respect me. No one believes me about what happened that night at Super 8 hotel.  No one gives a damn that the bastard straight up admitted to raping me the email he sent me in 2013. I am tried no one caring about me I am tired of everything being a fucking fight. I am tired of no one listening to me or other survivors. I straight up told them what would happen during this exam and they did not care.

It’s the following Wednesday and I am still triggered. I am still having severe PTSD

I want to kill myself. I have fought with the people on the telephone from Choice Program and they just sent Cary Police Department to my house for a wellness check. I feel like I am being raped all over again and my Post traumatic stress is through the roof. I am sobbing. I sob all of the time . I do not want to be around any one.  I contact the Suicide Prevention hotline because I want to die and wish the bastard rapist would have just killed me.

I go to therapy twice a week at Rhonda Chesson’s office which is only five minutes from my house. I do not have to deal with any fucking men. I keep men out of my life. What do I do in a day?

Go to therapy, come home, take a nap, take Giddy for a walk,

Sometimes I go to Pittsboro to do Somatic Psychotherapy

I take my medication Ativan so that I can relax. I listen to healing music and I dance so that the trauma moves through my body.