Becoming one with myself

 

Learning to become one with myself

Has been a long grueling process,

I have worn many masks along the way,

Tried to fit into what other people

expected me to be,

Wanted me to be,

Tried to ignore the feelings

that are deep inside,

Tried to ignore what has

happened in my life,

But along my healing journey,

I have learned that what happened to me

Was not my fault, It’s their fault,

They committed a crime and

tried to destroy me,

But instead they have turned

me into a warrior,

It’s my greatest challenge to

not let them ruin my life,

to take my power back,

And the gift that this healing

journey has given me,

Is made me into the

person I am today.

 

Learning to become one with

myself means that

I accept what has happened

throughout my life,

To make who I am today,

I do not like that I had to go through

all of the trauma and pain,

But now I am a person that can

read other people, pick up

On things that are not said,

More compassionate with other people

Can understand what others cannot,

Because they have not been there,

Am able to listen and be there

for myself and others.

 

I am starting to live the life that I

have always dreamed of,

To be the person that is inside,

To see the person that my friends

and family see inside of me!

To be the warrior that I have become

To keep raising my voice and speak

for those that are not

Able to speak yet!!

 

Copyrighted Julie “Jewels” Smoot

Feeling Unheard

 

Feeling unheard,

Feeling unseen,

Feeling invisible,

Feeling disrespected,

Feeling that I do not matter,

That what I have to say about what happened

to me does not matter,

 

I was at counseling appointment,

Therapist looked at

me and told me to stop writing my poetry

and not to talk about being raped.

 

Writing my poetry is the way

I get out what I am feeling,

I am not good at talking

about what happened to me,

 

I immediately left my

body and shutdown,

I came home, got my blanket,

turned on calming music

And started crying.

When therapist said that

to me, I immediately heard

What the rapist said to me,

What  society has said to me,

What the two guys at UC said to me,

What the police officer said to me,

What Josh said to me,

What Damon said to me,

What chain of command said to me,

What NCIS said to me,

What our country says to me,

and to other survivors of sexual assault,

 

I went to bed early,

Used aromatherapy,

Cried myself to sleep.

I am still feeling distant,

detached from myself,

I do not any one.

Afraid to say anything anymore.

Will not be reaching out anymore.