November 8, 2006 A Journal From The Boulders In My Life That Shaped Journey

Dear Journal,

I really needed to write today. Today has been one of those day that makes you wish that you were dead. This guy had a lot of rude comments to say today. I am just so sick of the mistreatment and I am so ready to get the hell out. I am really hurting so much inside. I feel like I should have just fought Troll and made him kill me.

I ran the Physical Readiness Test with my knee being messed up and of course, I did not pass. I did enough push-ups and sit-ups to pass that portion of the PRT.  Just go ahead and do me the favor and kick me out. I am so sick of being in pain and being abused every freaking day.

Since I was raped at A School, I have not cared about serving.  That person that wanted to serve her country is dead.  Troll killed her when he raped me and so has the chain of command with their constant abuse. I want to kill myself. I do not want to be here any more.

The Boulders In My Life That Shaped My Journey


My truth that I wrote under the pen name Honey Badger. I will no longer hide or be invisible. This is my true story of what happened when I was raped and reported to my chain of command. My journal is raw, unedited and tells exactly what happened as it was happening.



It’s too hard to understand

Too hard to comprehend

Too hard to deal with

Flashbacks, nightmares,

betrayal, rage,

Replayed over and

over again in mind,

Do not understand why

you would do this,

Why the chain of

command protects him?

Why the chain of command

ruined my career?


It’s wrong, you knew

what you doing

Was wrong.

You knew that I did

not consent to have sex

With you and you raped me,

You took everything

that I believed in,

Trust, Safety, Honor,

Courage, Commitment

Brother and Sisters

fighting the enemy

And stomped that

into the ground,


Then the chain of command

broke me more

By telling me that I

deserved to be raped,

That I was nothing more

than a walking mattress,

That it was fine

that he raped me

And that they

were not going

to do a damn

thing about it

Then when he straight up

admitted to raping me


did nothing they

even broke me more

I am sick

of flashbacks,

nightmares, grief, betrayal,

I do not understand

why people

protect you

I do not


understand why the

chain of command

protects you

I do not understand

why they protect you


You are nothing

but a rapist

You do not deserve to

be serving this country

Your ass should be in jail

How many other

women have

you raped?

The chain of command

does not do

A damn thing

Why can’t the damn

Senate, House, President

Do the right thing and

sign executive order?

What are they getting

out of protecting rapists?