Suicide: The Answer Sometimes

Suicide a thought that runs through

My head every single day,

It has been there ever since I was 19

years old,

it’s something that I fight every day,

There has been several times

when I wish that the ones

that hurt me would have just

killed me,

I am tried of fighting so damn

hard to just heal

I am tried of flashbacks, nightmares,

constant fighting, re victimization, retraumatization

I was not born to be retaliated against, sexually abused,

raped, and emotionally abused.

I did not serve my country to have to deal

with this and the feelings I feel every day

I am hurting so much deep inside

and the pain does not go away,

When you can cry for almost a whole

day, one knows that the pain I feel

is very deep inside and ingrained

Suicide feels like the answer sometimes.

 

Journal entry from 11 June 2006, From The Boulders In My Life That Shaped My journey

Dear Journal,

I am really in a bad mood. I am really tired of working my butt off and getting no respect. I am sick of being treated like I am nothing but a robot, and not being able to go to counseling. There’s just so much going on inside of me, trying to talk to Chief, but finding she does not care, and it is getting to the point where I am afraid of Khaki’s. I am not respecting any of them any more. I just straight do not give a crap about anything anymore. I am so tried of all this bull crap.

There’s been times lately where I have just wanted to hurt myself. I have wanted to cut and burn my arm and times that I have wanted to die. I am so sick of this pain. I am sick of not having anyone to talk to. I am sick of being called a liar. I am sick of not being able to see a counselor. Life just does not seem worth living anymore. I keep replaying that night over and over again. Everything is all mixed together. I feel dirty, used, sad, betrayed, violated, hurt, angry and depressed. I am to the point that I just do not care any more and part of me wants to commit suicide.

I’ve had nightmares about what he did to me. That night I drank so much, passed out and woke up to him being on top of me. I have been trying to keep my feelings on the inside but I cannot do that any more. The thing is that I have to because my chain of command do not care. Why can’t these feelings and memories just go away? I hate how I am being treated. The I was before I joined is one and this place is just for men. The chain of command does everything they can to protect rapists. To hell with me who spoke up and told my truth about what the third class did to me that night.

Oh and there new retaliation that they are doing is constantly having me go to urinalysis. This is the third time in less then two weeks.

Feelings:  Hurt, Alone, Betrayed, Depressed, Sad, Fearful, Scared, Rage, Anger, Nausea.

November 4, 2006, a Journal Entry from The Boulders In My Life That Shaped My Journey

November 4, 2006

Dear Journal,

I am not out to sea this weekend because something on the ship is broke. I was able to go to the women’s meeting and I was able to face of couple of my fears. For some reason, I was really afraid to be there today. I met a newcomer at the meeting and was able to talk to her. It was just nice to be able to be there for someone.

3:56 PM

I am watching  Ohio State Buckeyes play and they are winning again. During half time, I took a nap and then called a friend to see how she is doing. She told me that was making chocolate chip cookies and is going to a barque tonight. My knee has been bothering me for most of the day, so I have had my knee up on two pillows, iced it and taken pain medication.

I am not wanting to be around any one today so I am just relaxing at a hotel room. I am trying to figure out what I am going to do after I get out of the Navy. If I stay here, where am I going to live? What kind of job am I going to have? Do I star looking for a medical records job? Then I need to find a apartment to live in.

I am feeling really sad, tearful, betrayed and hurt. This has been nothing like I thought it would be and all it has been is abuse.