Climbing Mountain


There is a huge mountain in front of me,

I start climbing it,

The mountain in front of me seems gigantic and impossible to climb,

I start climbing the mountain in front of me,

I find a place to grip,

Digg my fingers into the rock,

Find a place to put my feet so that I can climb higher and higher,

At times feel like I am going to fall off the mountain,

At times, this task feels impossible since there is so much pain inside,

so many emotions,

body sensations,



At times all I can do is cry,


tear things apart,


It’s taking everything I have to climb this mountain,

It’s taking so much to face all of the demons inside of me,

It taking so much to heal from so much trauma,

The mountain before me seems impossible to climb,

There are other people higher on the mountain that reach out their hand to me

I grab their hand and know that I do not have to do this allow,

When I feel like quitting they tell me I can’t,

They tell me that they are there for me,

Do not give up,

It’s okay to feel your feelings,

It’s okay to allow the tears to come out,

It’s okay to be enraged,

It’s okay to rest,

Remember to do self-care,

I know you are feeling so much pain,

It’s okay to say, I am exhausted,

Be there for me and allow another to hold you on this journey of healing,

I listen to them and allow them to be there for me,

The tears coming from my eyes like waterfalls cleansing my pain and soul,

I will get through this.

It’s one day a time,

Sometimes one minute at a time,

Sometime one second at a time,

Know that you are loved,

That you are not allow,

You can lean on me,

You can call me anytime,

I am there and I will listen to what you have to say,

I believe you,

I support you,

I am a Warrior,

I am strong.

It’s going to be alright.

I will get to the top.

I will be free .


Journey Back To My Body and Myself


My journey back to myself started when I stopped drinking,

When I stopped hurting myself,

When I made a decision to ask for help and

found my way to Artemis Rising

When I started to admit that I was raped at 11, 19, 23, 25 and

Started to tell my story.

I started to put the shame where it belonged

On the rapists, society, and chain of command that did nothing.

When I started to talk about what the third class petty officer did to me,

When I started to talk about the retaliation that occurred.

When I started to talk about how the chain of command emotionally abused me

When I started to talk about the nightmares and flashbacks,

When I started to talk about the deep betrayal that I have felt,

When I started to talk about the grief that I feel,

I started to let all of the tears to come out and

Realized that crying is being strong and healing.

I started to talk about how hurt I was when

They did nothing even after he admitted to

Raping me in an email.

I admitted that I wanted to kill myself,

I started to understand that I had complex Post Traumatic Stress

I allowed myself to tell my story and

Allowed myself to feel my feelings.

I allowed myself to say the words that

I needed to say out loud.


Then, I found my way to One Billion and Rising Nia Jam

With support from the women in Nia,

I decided to take white belt and realized that I could come back into my body

That I did not have to stay out of my body,

That I was safe coming back to myself,

That I could love my body again,

The connection was made

That it is safe for me to be in my body and

To love myself,

That I can express my true feelings

That I can sound and tell my truth


Every day I keep showing up,

Keep suiting up and allowing myself to be seen,

Keep fighting and admitting my truth,

Keeping allowing the feelings to come out,

I have the courage to face my demons,

I have the courage to ask for help,

I have the courage to be vulnerable and

Express my true feelings.


I will not give up,

They are not going to win,

They have taken enough from me

And I reclaiming who I am every day.

I am a peaceful Warrior who is discovering

Who I am after so much was taken away from me.


Part of reclaiming who I am means that I have

Been reinventing myself by choosing to

Become a Reiki Jin Kei Do Energy Healer,

As part of this training, I learned that I care

About myself enough to have self-compassion

For myself and others.


Then I took blue belt and realized that I was safe

to feel what I feel and express what I feel

To tell my truth, to speak my truth, and to laugh

To slow dive to the depths of what is inside of me

And to keep pushing through all of the pain.

That I have a choice,

That it is my birthright to love myself,

To have compassion for myself,

To love my body and to be in my body,

That I can be kinder to myself when I feel sad.


I have found my way back to my body and to myself

I am being gentle with myself.

I am listening to the voices of my body,

I am loving myself and

Continuing to heal one day at a time.









I Trusted You

I thought I knew you,

Thought that you were my friend,

I thought that I could trust you,

I looked up to you,

I did not know what porn was,

I did not know anything about sex,

I did not know what violence was,

I was an innocent child,


I did not understand what you

Were doing to me,

I was terrified and scared,

I was crying and you did not care,

I did not want you to do what you did to me,

You do not realize what you have done

To me and what this has cost me,


A few days go by,

And I am still afraid,

I have not said a word about

What you did to me,

I do not want to tell anyone,

I do not want to talk about

What you did to me,


A couple of months go by

The shame I feel is getting worse,

The tears are getting harder to hide,

I want to make this all go away,

I do not want to tell anyone

It’s getting harder to hide the pain,


I must have done something to

Deserve you hurting me like this,

I am afraid of running into you again,

I do not want to near a boy again,

I do not want to trust a boy again,

I do not want to be touched again,

I hold the pain deep inside


You will never know

What you did to me and

How what you did changed my

Life forever that day.115449-I-Trusted-You



You set me up to violate me,

You lied to me when you told me that your

Mom was home when she was not,

You showed me porn and you knew that

I just eleven years old and that,

no idea what porn was,


You betrayed me,

You did not stop when you were choking me,

And I was sobbing,

You did not stop when you were hurting me,

You did not stop when I was crying,

You did not care what you did to me,

You did not care the pain that you caused,

You knew that I did not want to do what

You were doing to me,

You knew that I was crying and scared,

You did not care the damage you caused

And then you threatened to kill me if I told anyone,


You tried to steal my soul away from me

But what you have done is made me stronger

You have made me stronger to fight against

Predators like you,

You have made me find my voice and speak

My truth,

You have made a warrior that shouts my truth

From the roof tops.

I am healing every day and untangling myself

From you,



Betrayed at 11 Years Old


You told me that your

Mom was home but all

That was, was a lie,

Many feelings of betrayal,

Feelings of shame, guilt,

of loss, fear, grief, anxiety,

At times I have thought that I must have done

Something to cause you to hurt me the way you did,

That there must be sometime deeply wrong with me

And I must have a sign on my forehead

That says, here molest me,

But then I realize that you are the one

That has something wrong with you,


I froze,

I left my body and went

Somewhere far away,

My body betrayed me by

Responding to what you were doing

To me,

I wanted nothing to

Do with what you were doing to me.

I felt my body and went some where

Far away,

I was sobbing and you did not care


You took so much away

from me that day,

You took my innocence,

You took my child hood,

You took my self-worth

You took my self-esteem,

You took my trust in men,

You took my trust in friends,

You threatened to kill me

If I ever spoke of what you

Did to me,

You have caused so much

Pain, anger, grief, fear, self-harm

Flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety

Suicidal thoughts.


I have started to take my

Power back from you,

I have started to realize

How you groomed me,

I have realized how you

Set me up to be molested by you,


I have started to talk about

the deep betrayal that I have felt,

I am telling what you did to me,

I have realized that the

Shame I feel is not mine,

I do not have to hate my body,

I can come back to my body,

I do not have to stay out of my body,

I am safe coming back to myself,

That I could love my body again,

That my body is my body,

I choose what happens with to my body,


I can express my true feelings

I can sound and tell my truth

I can feel the feelings

That I need to feel.

I can express the feelings

That I need to express.

I can and will continue

To tell what you did to me

And I will be free from you.



Born a Girl

Born With a Vagina,

I was given the label of girl,

I was taught to dress a certain,

I was taught to follow what my mom did,

I was told that I was supposed to wear dresses,

That I was supposed to do house work,

That I was supposed to be skinny,

That I was supposed to wear makeup,

That I was supposed to play with certain toys

Such as Barbie dolls, house, care bears, girl toys,

And that I was only to be interested in girl things,

That I was not supposed to be good at science or math,

That I was weaker,


Once I became I tomboy I no longer fit into what

Society wanted me to be since I was born with a Vagina,

I wanted to climb trees, play basketball, football, baseball,

Ride bikes, get dirty, and play war there was something

wrong with me and I had to be shown where

I belonged in society,

I had to be taught a lesson,

that is when Ryan

showed me what porn was, what violence was,

And raped me,

Then I was threatened that I would be killed if I told anyone,

My friend told his mom and his mom called my mom,

I was then grounded to the yard and told to just

Forget about what happened to me


I was told that since I had been born with a Vagina that

I was only here to be raped and that the laws do not apply

To girls that have been raped.

As I grew up, I still did not fit into what society wanted

Me to be because I wanted nothing to do with being a woman

I wanted nothing to do with wearing dresses,

I wanted nothing to do with wearing makeup and having long hair,

I wanted nothing to do with sex or my sexuality,

Then two black men raped me when I was

intoxicated and could not consent,

Then I was once again told by Female Police Officer that I deserved

What they did to me because I was drinking underage and that

Entitled two black me to rape me.

Then the University of Cincinnati sent me to be evaluated for a mental

Health disorder instead of doing anything to the two black

Men that raped me,

I became suicidal and wanted to die and I tried to kill myself

Once again I was told that since I have a Vagina that I am some how

Weaker and do not matter as much as men.

That is was perfectly fine to be raped by two men,

After all that was what I was born for since

I was born with a Vagina and men were entitled to rape me

And the laws do not apply to me.


Then when I was 23, I was raped again and did not bother

To make a police report,

I knew that no one would do a damn thing

Then when I was 25 I was raped by a third class petty officer

Twice in the same day,

I did not say anything until the next day when a friend

Asked me what was wrong

She went and told the chain of command

They took me to have rape exam done at Wilford ER,

OSI came and talked to me,

The chain of command blamed me for being raped,

Master Chief said, “We believe you but there is not a damn thing

We can do about it.  Here’s your orders to your next command. Promise

Me that you will go to counseling.

Then the retaliation started,

I was not allowed to go to counseling at rape crisis center,

I was told that I was lying,

I was told that I was fat,

I was told there was something wrong

With me because I bleed once a month,

I was told that I was to emotional,

I was told to “Control my emotions.”,

I was told that I was not strong enough,

I was told that I was only here lay on

My back and spread my legs and take whatever men did to me,

I was told that I was nothing more than a walking mattress

That deserved to be raped

My career was ruined and I was given code of JFT erroneous enlistment

Then in 2013 when he straight up admitted to raping me they still did


I was told that, “We have to investigate you. We have to know who

All you have slept with. About any other reports that you

Have made. We do not care what he said in his email to you.

So once again I was told that since I was born with a VAGINA

That I am nothing

That rape is fine and we do not give a damn about you

That rape is not against the law and we only protect rapists.


Suicide: The Answer Sometimes

Suicide a thought that runs through

My head every single day,

It has been there ever since I was 19

years old,

it’s something that I fight every day,

There has been several times

when I wish that the ones

that hurt me would have just

killed me,

I am tried of fighting so damn

hard to just heal

I am tried of flashbacks, nightmares,

constant fighting, re victimization, retraumatization

I was not born to be retaliated against, sexually abused,

raped, and emotionally abused.

I did not serve my country to have to deal

with this and the feelings I feel every day

I am hurting so much deep inside

and the pain does not go away,

When you can cry for almost a whole

day, one knows that the pain I feel

is very deep inside and ingrained

Suicide feels like the answer sometimes.


Journal entry from 11 June 2006, From The Boulders In My Life That Shaped My journey

Dear Journal,

I am really in a bad mood. I am really tired of working my butt off and getting no respect. I am sick of being treated like I am nothing but a robot, and not being able to go to counseling. There’s just so much going on inside of me, trying to talk to Chief, but finding she does not care, and it is getting to the point where I am afraid of Khaki’s. I am not respecting any of them any more. I just straight do not give a crap about anything anymore. I am so tried of all this bull crap.

There’s been times lately where I have just wanted to hurt myself. I have wanted to cut and burn my arm and times that I have wanted to die. I am so sick of this pain. I am sick of not having anyone to talk to. I am sick of being called a liar. I am sick of not being able to see a counselor. Life just does not seem worth living anymore. I keep replaying that night over and over again. Everything is all mixed together. I feel dirty, used, sad, betrayed, violated, hurt, angry and depressed. I am to the point that I just do not care any more and part of me wants to commit suicide.

I’ve had nightmares about what he did to me. That night I drank so much, passed out and woke up to him being on top of me. I have been trying to keep my feelings on the inside but I cannot do that any more. The thing is that I have to because my chain of command do not care. Why can’t these feelings and memories just go away? I hate how I am being treated. The I was before I joined is one and this place is just for men. The chain of command does everything they can to protect rapists. To hell with me who spoke up and told my truth about what the third class did to me that night.

Oh and there new retaliation that they are doing is constantly having me go to urinalysis. This is the third time in less then two weeks.

Feelings:  Hurt, Alone, Betrayed, Depressed, Sad, Fearful, Scared, Rage, Anger, Nausea.

November 4, 2006, a Journal Entry from The Boulders In My Life That Shaped My Journey

November 4, 2006

Dear Journal,

I am not out to sea this weekend because something on the ship is broke. I was able to go to the women’s meeting and I was able to face of couple of my fears. For some reason, I was really afraid to be there today. I met a newcomer at the meeting and was able to talk to her. It was just nice to be able to be there for someone.

3:56 PM

I am watching  Ohio State Buckeyes play and they are winning again. During half time, I took a nap and then called a friend to see how she is doing. She told me that was making chocolate chip cookies and is going to a barque tonight. My knee has been bothering me for most of the day, so I have had my knee up on two pillows, iced it and taken pain medication.

I am not wanting to be around any one today so I am just relaxing at a hotel room. I am trying to figure out what I am going to do after I get out of the Navy. If I stay here, where am I going to live? What kind of job am I going to have? Do I star looking for a medical records job? Then I need to find a apartment to live in.

I am feeling really sad, tearful, betrayed and hurt. This has been nothing like I thought it would be and all it has been is abuse.