Reiki Jin Kei Do: My Healing Journey

I took the Nia White Belt in July 2015 with an amazing trainer, Kate Finlayson. That was an awesome experience! By doing the White Belt, I developed a relationship with my body. I realized that I do not need to be ashamed of my body and can love my body. I learned where I hold my feelings and memories, and instead of criticizing and hating those parts of me, I began to accept and love those parts of me. Kate taught me to be present, to talk to my body, listen to my body and be loving to my body. I learned that I can dance and trust myself and embody the 52 moves of Nia. She taught me to listen to the music. I am all about the base, and I love music that has drums. I am coming back home to myself.

After this amazing White Belt, Kate recommended that I do Reiki with Haven Carter. I was coming home into my body, experiencing pain in my right knee and left ankle were I held trauma memories. By doing Reiki, I was able to release energy, feelings and continued to process what I was feeling. I allowed myself to feel and permitted the tears to come out. At times, when I was laying on the table, I shook when I got scared. Haven told me that I was safe and that it was my body doing what it needed to do to let go of the energy of all of the traumas. Also, she told me that I was safe with her, that she had me and that I could be real with her.  There were a few times when tears just started streaming from my eyes and Haven just held me.  Also, there was two times after Reiki when I got into my car and threw up. The Reiki was working on all of the traumas I have been through causing a physical reaction.   Sexual abuse is held in the body as I learned repeatedly from taking doing Nia white belt and Reiki Jin Kei Do.


Heart Warrior


I have been through a lot of pain and suffering,

I have physical scars that can be seen,

I have emotional scars that cannot be seen,

Many tears have fell from my cheeks,

I have felt so much rage and grief,

However, I have picked myself up,

Fought the next battle,

And continue on my healing path.


I am an empowered heart Warrior that is standing strong,

I am a heart Warrior that is putting her life back together piece by piece,

I have compassion for every living being and compassion for myself.

I am loving and a Heart Warrior that shares

Her love with the world and those close to me


I am strong and victorious,

I shout my truth,

I feel my feelings,

I help others to know that they are also Heart Warriors.


I will never quit,

I will never surrender,

I will continue on this path of healing no matter what.





You want me to become aware

Of what my ankle, knee and lower back are saying?

You want me to stay in my body?

You want me to feel my feelings?

You want me to say what I need to say?

You want me to tell my truth?

Are you kidding me?


You want me to stay connected to myself, my body

And my feelings?

Why would I do that?

I used to scream.

You tell me that I am safe,

That there is no reason to

Disconnect any more,

That you are there for me as I become

Aware of my feelings and body,


It takes tremendous strength for me to

look deep inside of myself

Where there are dark shadows,

But my shadows are demanding that light

Shown on them,

There is no reason to hide any more,

There is no reason to remain silent any more,

It’s not my shame!!

I can be in my body.

I can love myself.

It’s not my shame!


I have come back home to my body

And to myself,

I know that I am safe to feel my feelings,

I know that I am safe to speak my truth,


I have become aware of the power I have deep inside,

I know that I am an empowered Warrior

Who is speaking her truth and will never

Back down until victim blaming, shaming stops.


I am aware of the connection to my body

And know where the trauma is held,

I am loving myself and my body every single day.

I am being gentle with myself for

I know that I am still healing.

I Trusted You

I thought I knew you,

Thought that you were my friend,

I thought that I could trust you,

I looked up to you,

I did not know what porn was,

I did not know anything about sex,

I did not know what violence was,

I was an innocent child,


I did not understand what you

Were doing to me,

I was terrified and scared,

I was crying and you did not care,

I did not want you to do what you did to me,

You do not realize what you have done

To me and what this has cost me,


A few days go by,

And I am still afraid,

I have not said a word about

What you did to me,

I do not want to tell anyone,

I do not want to talk about

What you did to me,


A couple of months go by

The shame I feel is getting worse,

The tears are getting harder to hide,

I want to make this all go away,

I do not want to tell anyone

It’s getting harder to hide the pain,


I must have done something to

Deserve you hurting me like this,

I am afraid of running into you again,

I do not want to near a boy again,

I do not want to trust a boy again,

I do not want to be touched again,

I hold the pain deep inside


You will never know

What you did to me and

How what you did changed my

Life forever that day.115449-I-Trusted-You



One of those things I have heard a

few times from different people through my life,

Many times I got angry, cried and ignored what

they were saying to me,

Pushed people away from me,

I was not in the place to hear about forgiving

myself or them for what they did to me,



Now, in this moment, I am ready to forgive

myself for what happened when I was

11, 19, 23 and 25,

I know that the things that I hold

on to that keeps me stuck in pain, anger

grief, and from living my life,

I forgive myself for not knowing what I

know now, for not leaving, not fighting him,

believing his threat and not telling

everything he did to me,

I forgive myself for not saying any thing

until I was in high school,

I forgive myself for sleeping around,

I was doing the best to cope with

how I was feeling deep inside,

I thought that by going to a university two hours

away, I could escape the pain that I

felt deep inside,

All I did was stay on campus over the weekend,

Drank alcohol for the first time,

It’s not my fault what they did to me,

It’s not my shame,

I forgive myself for drinking for the first time,


I forgive myself for drinking when I was 23,

I was not ready to feel my feelings

so I did the only thing I knew to do,

which was drinking alcohol to numb

all of the pain I was feeling,

I forgive myself for throwing away a year

and half of sobriety away when I was 25,

It’s not my fault what he choose to do


I forgive myself for all of the self-harm and

self-hatred I have put myself through.

None of this was my fault,

They choose to commit a crime

and took what I did not offer,

This was their fault.

There shame,

There betrayal

There violent act.

I work every day to take

back my life, live my life

and forgive myself.

I am so glad that I am able to write,

Because writing is the only way,

I know to get the thoughts out

of my head, to tell my truth

and to continue to heal

one day at a time.

Forgiveness is something

I work at every single day.