Journal entry from 11 June 2006, From The Boulders In My Life That Shaped My journey

Dear Journal,

I am really in a bad mood. I am really tired of working my butt off and getting no respect. I am sick of being treated like I am nothing but a robot, and not being able to go to counseling. There’s just so much going on inside of me, trying to talk to Chief, but finding she does not care, and it is getting to the point where I am afraid of Khaki’s. I am not respecting any of them any more. I just straight do not give a crap about anything anymore. I am so tried of all this bull crap.

There’s been times lately where I have just wanted to hurt myself. I have wanted to cut and burn my arm and times that I have wanted to die. I am so sick of this pain. I am sick of not having anyone to talk to. I am sick of being called a liar. I am sick of not being able to see a counselor. Life just does not seem worth living anymore. I keep replaying that night over and over again. Everything is all mixed together. I feel dirty, used, sad, betrayed, violated, hurt, angry and depressed. I am to the point that I just do not care any more and part of me wants to commit suicide.

I’ve had nightmares about what he did to me. That night I drank so much, passed out and woke up to him being on top of me. I have been trying to keep my feelings on the inside but I cannot do that any more. The thing is that I have to because my chain of command do not care. Why can’t these feelings and memories just go away? I hate how I am being treated. The I was before I joined is one and this place is just for men. The chain of command does everything they can to protect rapists. To hell with me who spoke up and told my truth about what the third class did to me that night.

Oh and there new retaliation that they are doing is constantly having me go to urinalysis. This is the third time in less then two weeks.

Feelings:  Hurt, Alone, Betrayed, Depressed, Sad, Fearful, Scared, Rage, Anger, Nausea.

Broken

You set me up to be violated,

You lied to me when you told me that your mom

Was home,

You took my innocence away from me,

You did not stop when you were hurting me,

You did not stop when I was crying,

You did not care what you did to me,

You did not care the pain that you caused,

You knew that I did not want to do what

You were doing to me,

You knew that I was crying and scared,

You did not care the damage you caused

When you were done, you threatened to kill me if I told,

 

You tried to steal my soul away from me

But what you have done is made me stronger

You have made me stronger to fight against

Predators like you,

You have made me find my voice and speak

My truth,

You have made a warrior that shouts my truth

From the roof tops.

I am healing every day and untangling myself

From you,

 

Sensing Ankle

I know you are there,

when you scream so loud,

I am paying attention to you,

When the pain starts,

It takes me back to when,

I fell down the stairs at UC

And broke you,

You remind me of all of

The pain from UC,

Somehow all of the trauma

Has gotten held in you,

Now I touch you,

I feel you throbbing with pain,

I feel the tears well up inside of me,

I feel the nightmares and flashbacks

Coming to the surface,

I feel the anger about what happened

That night in the dorm room,

I know there is still pain that I have

To express,

I know there are things

That I still need to talk about,

I know that I have anger from

The police doing nothing,

I know that my life changed forever

On October 17, 1997,

I know there are many

Let tears that need to come out,

You let me know that I need to

Forgive myself for drinking,

I did not ask for what happened,

It’s not my fault what they did to me.

I did not choose any thing that happened

That night,

 

I have taken time to stay off of you,

I have allowed myself to cry

I have told you that I love you

And hear what you are telling me

Please stop hurting.

I am protecting you now.

I am listening to you now.