Anniversary: Standing in My Power

 

Anniversary: Standing in my Power, a powerful poem that I wrote last year on the anniversary of when I was raped. I have taken my life and power back from the bastards that raped me. I have taken my power back from the chain of command that did nothing but retaliate against me, tried to destroy me, ruined my career.  My rapists can go to hell. Those that did nothing when I told what happened to me at 11 can go to hell. The female police officer at University of Cincinnati that looked at me and told me that I deserved to be raped by two black men since I was drinking underage can go to hell.  The Special Agent that told me, We do not care what he said in his email. We have to investigate you. Know who all you slept with. About any other reports you have ever made. can go to hell. They are no better then six men that raped me.

They tried to destroy me but they have not. They tried to silence but they have made me powerful enough to tell my truth.  They have turned me into a strong Warrior that will never stop sharing what they did to me. They have made me into an advocate that will never back down until rape and victim blaming ends.

PTSD: Knocked off Balance

During medical exam, I get triggered,

I am breathing very shallow.

Flashbacks come,

Heart pounding in my chest,

My body turns red,

Get a massive headache,

Tears streaming down my face,

 

I am scared and knocked off balance,

I thought that I had healed

More than I have,

I am triggered,

I am having a full blown anxiety attack,

I want to run away,

I do not feel safe with the medical professionals,

All I want to do is run away,

And that is what I do with the person

who come to the appointment with me

 

The next day, I call doctor asking for

anti-anxiety medication, and therapy,

They set me up with that and

Tell me that what happened was a body

Memory,

The body does not lie,

I have nothing to be ashamed of

And they are there for me,

That they have seen this several

Times with women who have been

Raped and that it is part of Post

Traumatic Stress

 

 

 

 

 

Why

Why?

It’s too hard to understand

Too hard to comprehend

Too hard to deal with

Flashbacks, nightmares,

betrayal, rage,

Replayed over and

over again in mind,

Do not understand why

you would do this,

Why the chain of

command protects him?

Why the chain of command

ruined my career?

 

It’s wrong, you knew

what you doing

Was wrong.

You knew that I did

not consent to have sex

With you and you raped me,

You took everything

that I believed in,

Trust, Safety, Honor,

Courage, Commitment

Brother and Sisters

fighting the enemy

And stomped that

into the ground,

 

Then the chain of command

broke me more

By telling me that I

deserved to be raped,

That I was nothing more

than a walking mattress,

That it was fine

that he raped me

And that they

were not going

to do a damn

thing about it

Then when he straight up

admitted to raping me

And NCIS

did nothing they

even broke me more

I am sick

of flashbacks,

nightmares, grief, betrayal,

I do not understand

why people

protect you

I do not

 

understand why the

chain of command

protects you

I do not understand

why they protect you

 

You are nothing

but a rapist

You do not deserve to

be serving this country

Your ass should be in jail

How many other

women have

you raped?

The chain of command

does not do

A damn thing

Why can’t the damn

Senate, House, President

Do the right thing and

sign executive order?

What are they getting

out of protecting rapists?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Boulders In My Life That Shaped My Journey

 

My truth that I wrote under the pen name Honey Badger. I will no longer hide or be invisible. This is my true story of what happened when I was raped and reported to my chain of command. My journal is raw, unedited and tells exactly what happened as it was happening.