November 7, 2006, Journal entry from The Boulders In My Life That Shaped My Journey

Dear Journal,

I started to work a little in the book, The Courage to Heal. I talked to two of my friends because I just did not want to be by myself. I was feeling overwhelmed and like I needed to cry.

I skip around in the book because there are certain things that I am ready for and other things  that I am not ready for. It would be really nice if I could just let myself cry but I cannot let myself cry.  What happened to me really bothers me and I keep on blaming myself for being raped.

 

 

November 4, 2006, a Journal Entry from The Boulders In My Life That Shaped My Journey

November 4, 2006

Dear Journal,

I am not out to sea this weekend because something on the ship is broke. I was able to go to the women’s meeting and I was able to face of couple of my fears. For some reason, I was really afraid to be there today. I met a newcomer at the meeting and was able to talk to her. It was just nice to be able to be there for someone.

3:56 PM

I am watching  Ohio State Buckeyes play and they are winning again. During half time, I took a nap and then called a friend to see how she is doing. She told me that was making chocolate chip cookies and is going to a barque tonight. My knee has been bothering me for most of the day, so I have had my knee up on two pillows, iced it and taken pain medication.

I am not wanting to be around any one today so I am just relaxing at a hotel room. I am trying to figure out what I am going to do after I get out of the Navy. If I stay here, where am I going to live? What kind of job am I going to have? Do I star looking for a medical records job? Then I need to find a apartment to live in.

I am feeling really sad, tearful, betrayed and hurt. This has been nothing like I thought it would be and all it has been is abuse.

Broken

You set me up to be violated,

You lied to me when you told me that your mom

Was home,

You took my innocence away from me,

You did not stop when you were hurting me,

You did not stop when I was crying,

You did not care what you did to me,

You did not care the pain that you caused,

You knew that I did not want to do what

You were doing to me,

You knew that I was crying and scared,

You did not care the damage you caused

When you were done, you threatened to kill me if I told,

 

You tried to steal my soul away from me

But what you have done is made me stronger

You have made me stronger to fight against

Predators like you,

You have made me find my voice and speak

My truth,

You have made a warrior that shouts my truth

From the roof tops.

I am healing every day and untangling myself

From you,