Feelings, A Powerful Poem From The Journey Back to Myself: A Book of Healing Poetry

 

Laid down to take a nap for half the day,

To stop the memories from coming,

But the memories have turned into nightmares,

I cannot sleep because I keep seeing what he did to me,

It’s been two years since that awful day and night

But at times, it still feels like it was yesterday,

I have not had time to tell my truth,

I haven’t had time to heal or to process my feelings,

I know I need to have,

I am feeling so insecure, fearful,

betrayed, alone, depressed and sad,

The images come flooding back,

I thought that I could trust you,

I feel betrayed by you and the chain of command,

I feel betrayed by the Navy that says they have

no tolerance for sexual assault and rape in its service,

But has done nothing to help me

All the chain of command has done is called me a liar,

Told me that I have a drinking problem

and he had every right to do what he did to me,

Told me that I had to talk to a male psychologist,

I told my chain of command,

There is no way in hell that I am

 talking to a male about being raped,

Tell me that I am lying about my knee being hurt,

When we are at the pier and state side,

 I start paying to see a counselor in the civilian world,

I cannot live with this pain,

I cannot live with this emotional abuse,

The feelings are intense,

Flashbacks are constantly there,

The retaliation and emotional abuse

 are causing even more trauma.

I start burning my arm to cope with the emotional abuse,

I have no idea what to do

I start to become angry because

 that is the only way I know to survive

When I am away from the ship, Navy, all I can do is cry.

Heart Felt Message From Julie Jewels Smoot

 

My book tells more then just what happened to me. It’s my healing path. It’s me realizing that I can speak my truth, feel my feelings, express my feelings and heal from everything that has happened to me. It’s me stepping into to coming back into my body. It’s how I have healed and continue to heal. It’s me realizing that I am an empowered Warrior and I not be silenced. It’s me becoming visible and not afraid to be seen for who I am. It’s a book that is meant to be a guide to help survivors, doctor, nurses, nurse practitioners, law enforcement officers, professors, psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers.  It’s about me stepping into my purpose and taking all of the pain I feel to help society to understand.