Feelings, A Powerful Poem From The Journey Back to Myself: A Book of Healing Poetry

 

Laid down to take a nap for half the day,

To stop the memories from coming,

But the memories have turned into nightmares,

I cannot sleep because I keep seeing what he did to me,

It’s been two years since that awful day and night

But at times, it still feels like it was yesterday,

I have not had time to tell my truth,

I haven’t had time to heal or to process my feelings,

I know I need to have,

I am feeling so insecure, fearful,

betrayed, alone, depressed and sad,

The images come flooding back,

I thought that I could trust you,

I feel betrayed by you and the chain of command,

I feel betrayed by the Navy that says they have

no tolerance for sexual assault and rape in its service,

But has done nothing to help me

All the chain of command has done is called me a liar,

Told me that I have a drinking problem

and he had every right to do what he did to me,

Told me that I had to talk to a male psychologist,

I told my chain of command,

There is no way in hell that I am

 talking to a male about being raped,

Tell me that I am lying about my knee being hurt,

When we are at the pier and state side,

 I start paying to see a counselor in the civilian world,

I cannot live with this pain,

I cannot live with this emotional abuse,

The feelings are intense,

Flashbacks are constantly there,

The retaliation and emotional abuse

 are causing even more trauma.

I start burning my arm to cope with the emotional abuse,

I have no idea what to do

I start to become angry because

 that is the only way I know to survive

When I am away from the ship, Navy, all I can do is cry.

Heart Felt Message From Julie Jewels Smoot

 

My book tells more then just what happened to me. It’s my healing path. It’s me realizing that I can speak my truth, feel my feelings, express my feelings and heal from everything that has happened to me. It’s me stepping into to coming back into my body. It’s how I have healed and continue to heal. It’s me realizing that I am an empowered Warrior and I not be silenced. It’s me becoming visible and not afraid to be seen for who I am. It’s a book that is meant to be a guide to help survivors, doctor, nurses, nurse practitioners, law enforcement officers, professors, psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers.  It’s about me stepping into my purpose and taking all of the pain I feel to help society to understand.

 

Breaking Free

Breaking free of their power,

Breaking free of their shame,

Breaking free to heal myself,

Breaking free to come back into my body,

Breaking free to speak my truth,

Every day, I am breaking free,
Each and every day I am saying, “You no longer

Have control over my life.”

I have nothing to be ashamed of.

You six men where the ones that committed

A heinous crime and tried to destroy my life,

Well you have not succeeded in that,

I have told your secrets,

I am putting the shame and blame on you,

With each step I take, I am facing the pain

That I feel deep inside,

With each tear I cry, I am healing,

I am putting the shame where it belongs,

And standing in my power,

I am coming back into my body,

No longer am afraid of you,

And I will continue to tell what you six men did to me,

I am an empowered Warrior who is now coming

After you and making sure that society knows

The damage that rape, victim blaming, does to the survivor,

Every step on this journey has mattered,

Every tear, rage, depression, flashback, nightmare, cut and burn

As led me to where I know am,

I have more power then you will ever have and

I stand in my power of being a female goddess and empowered Warrior

The Journey Back to Myself: A Book of Healing Poetry, Second Edition

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A collection of inspirational, empowering poetry written over the course of three years as Julie went on a healing journey to heal from multiple sexual assaults and Post Traumatic Stress. She learned that creating space for deep healing starts with taking some deep breaths to be present in the body. She learned that her body is her home and that her body is safe to come back to. Also, she learned how to love herself again. This is a powerful book that invites you on a healing journey. It is meant for every single person who is healing from something. It’s meant to be a guide for every psychologist, psychiatrists, doctor, nurse, social worker, professor, counselor to use to understand the effects of child sexual abuse, university rape, military sexual trauma, depression, and Post Traumatic Stress.

 

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Peaceful Warrior

 

I am fighting a battle inside of myself,

My enemy is Post Traumatic Stress,

My strength comes from myself,

Memories of what happened to me replays over

And over again.

There are flashbacks,

There are nightmares,

There are triggers,

The pain is so real and I cannot stop the pain.

I cannot stop the flashbacks.

I cannot stop the nightmares.

I cannot stop the grief.

I cannot stop the rage.

I show a brave face to the world but on

The inside I am crying.

Mother Earth is helping me to heal my heart

That was broken into thousands of pieces,

There are many days when I feel like I am broken,

I am determined to win this battle and to heal my heart.

I will not let triggers, flashbacks, nightmares control my emotions.

I will not let those tried to destroy me win this war.

I have awakened and I will find peace with myself.

 

I will love myself and forgive myself for past harms

I will love my body.

I will continue to grow spirituality.

I will continue to be mindful and meditate.

I will continue to speak my truth and continue to heal.

I will reach out to fellow Peaceful Warriors and

Help them to heal to.

I am Peaceful Warrior.

Climbing Mountain

 

There is a huge mountain in front of me,

I start climbing it,

The mountain in front of me seems gigantic and impossible to climb,

I start climbing the mountain in front of me,

I find a place to grip,

Digg my fingers into the rock,

Find a place to put my feet so that I can climb higher and higher,

At times feel like I am going to fall off the mountain,

At times, this task feels impossible since there is so much pain inside,

so many emotions,

body sensations,

flashbacks

nightmares

At times all I can do is cry,

Scream,

tear things apart,

sleep,

It’s taking everything I have to climb this mountain,

It’s taking so much to face all of the demons inside of me,

It taking so much to heal from so much trauma,

The mountain before me seems impossible to climb,

There are other people higher on the mountain that reach out their hand to me

I grab their hand and know that I do not have to do this allow,

When I feel like quitting they tell me I can’t,

They tell me that they are there for me,

Do not give up,

It’s okay to feel your feelings,

It’s okay to allow the tears to come out,

It’s okay to be enraged,

It’s okay to rest,

Remember to do self-care,

I know you are feeling so much pain,

It’s okay to say, I am exhausted,

Be there for me and allow another to hold you on this journey of healing,

I listen to them and allow them to be there for me,

The tears coming from my eyes like waterfalls cleansing my pain and soul,

I will get through this.

It’s one day a time,

Sometimes one minute at a time,

Sometime one second at a time,

Know that you are loved,

That you are not allow,

You can lean on me,

You can call me anytime,

I am there and I will listen to what you have to say,

I believe you,

I support you,

I am a Warrior,

I am strong.

It’s going to be alright.

I will get to the top.

I will be free .