Feelings, A Powerful Poem From The Journey Back to Myself: A Book of Healing Poetry

 

Laid down to take a nap for half the day,

To stop the memories from coming,

But the memories have turned into nightmares,

I cannot sleep because I keep seeing what he did to me,

It’s been two years since that awful day and night

But at times, it still feels like it was yesterday,

I have not had time to tell my truth,

I haven’t had time to heal or to process my feelings,

I know I need to have,

I am feeling so insecure, fearful,

betrayed, alone, depressed and sad,

The images come flooding back,

I thought that I could trust you,

I feel betrayed by you and the chain of command,

I feel betrayed by the Navy that says they have

no tolerance for sexual assault and rape in its service,

But has done nothing to help me

All the chain of command has done is called me a liar,

Told me that I have a drinking problem

and he had every right to do what he did to me,

Told me that I had to talk to a male psychologist,

I told my chain of command,

There is no way in hell that I am

 talking to a male about being raped,

Tell me that I am lying about my knee being hurt,

When we are at the pier and state side,

 I start paying to see a counselor in the civilian world,

I cannot live with this pain,

I cannot live with this emotional abuse,

The feelings are intense,

Flashbacks are constantly there,

The retaliation and emotional abuse

 are causing even more trauma.

I start burning my arm to cope with the emotional abuse,

I have no idea what to do

I start to become angry because

 that is the only way I know to survive

When I am away from the ship, Navy, all I can do is cry.

Nothing Done

 

I responded to his email on Navy together we served,

Thinking that if I got him to admit to raping me,

That they would have to do something about it,

He straight up admitted to raping me,

He said, “You an ugly woman and I do not know why I even messed with you. Taking a woman is something that I am down with. So you remember how….lol…”

Called NCIS and asked to speak to special agent,

Case was reopened again,

None of this mattered to the Special Agent

Was told we have to investigate you,

Know who all you slept with,

About any other sexual assault reports you have made,

It does not matter what he said in his email,

 

So once again they do nothing about

rape even when they have it in black and white,

Once again, I am told that I am nothing

but an object that deserves to be raped,

So tired,

So enraged,

So hurt,

So betrayed,

So fed up

So sick of, “We do not care.”

So sick of oh you are just a woman.

and well that means that you were born to be raped,

So sick of he had every right to rape you,

So sick of the laws do not apply to you,

So sick of it’s fine that I was emotionally abused, retaliated against, and my career was ruined,

We do not care that the rapist

straight up admitted to raping you.

We do not care that he said, “So

you remember how…lol…taking a

woman is something that

I down with. You are such an

ugly woman I do not even

know why I messed with you.

So sick of the laws and

UCMJ do not apply to me,

But we will protect, promote,

a rapist at all costs and allow

him to rape more women

over and over and over and

over and over again.

Someone tell me where Honor,

Courage, Commitment, Duty,

Country, Shipmate comes into

protecting rapists that commit a heinous crime,

That changes the victim FOREVER!!!