Standing On the Edge


Senior year of high school,

I am standing on the edge,

There are so many decisions for me to make about my future,

I am excited about my future but at the same time,

I am feeling lost inside,

There are tears that are coming to the surface,

I am starting to remember what

you did to me when I was eleven,

I have started to sleep around,

Thinking that will somehow change

what you did to me that day when I was eleven,

You changed my life forever that day when you abused me,


All I know how is that I want to get as

far away from my small town ass I can,

I want to get away from the constant reminders,

And the triggers that take me back to that day,

Tears are coming to the surface,

I apply to the University of Cincinnati

because that is two hours’ way from Lucasville,

I get accepted and cannot wait to start my new life,


I have three roommates that are doing the sorority thing,

They are drinking and partying,

I never did that in high school,

So I decide to try alcohol for the first time,


I get wasted,

Two black men decide to rape me,

I have so much hatred for myself,

I swear that I will never drink again and

Don’t until I move to another town,


I start going to therapy to heal of this trauma,

I start going to a support group,

The therapist decides one

night to give us all a depression test,

I get a call a couple of days later

asking me to come in for an appointment,

The therapist that I have been seeing

wants me to go into a day treatment program

I start going to a day treatment

program and make it through that program,

Once I am done with this program,

I am feeling intense feelings

that I do not want to feel,


I start going to a club with friends,

Drinking and partying every night,

I just cannot wait to get wasted because

I do not want to remember what

happened to me when I was eleven and nineteen,

I want the intense feelings to stop,


So I start living for every

Friday and Saturday night,

So I can drink and get wasted,

I can escape from my body and the memories,


There were some nights when this was fun,

There were nights when I almost

got into fights at the club me and my best friend went to,

There are nights when I black out and my friends

Tell me the next day that I did,


One night me, my girlfriend and

best friend go to a strip club to

see her girl friend since it is her birthday,

I do want I am known for,

I start drinking long island ice teas, mind racers,

shots and get totally wasted,

We drive over to my friend’s house

that is twenty minutes away,


I can barely walk from being so drunk,

My girlfriend and my friends best

friend helps to walk to the house,

We go inside and talk for a little bit,


I have to go to the bathroom that is upstairs,

While I am in the bathroom, my

best friends friend comes in the room,

He is touching me and ends up raping me,


I do not say anything to any

one until the following day when

my girlfriend asks me what is wrong,

I start crying and she comes over to hold me,

She tells me that I can

tell her what happened.

I tell her that I am bruised, know

that I was raped last night,

and am hurting really bad,

She tells me we should call the police,

I get really upset, start sobbing and screaming,

There is no way in hell we are calling the police,

She tells me that we

should go to the hospital,

I tell her there is no point in

going to the Emergency room,

I know that the nurse will call

the police and the police will not

do anything except

blame me and shame me.

So we come to an agreement that

I will make an appointment with a gynecologist,


We go to that appointment together,

My girlfriend is there to hold me

and supports me through this,

The gynecologist tells me that I am bruised,

I tell her what happened and

that I do not want the police involved,

She does some more lab tests,

gives me a name to a therapist,

and the morning after pill.


I swear that I will never drink again,

I start going to Alcoholic Anonymous every day,

I get a sponsor and start on my healing path,

I put over a year sober, am so grateful that I found my way to AA,

have an amazing sponsor and started on my path of healing,

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