The nightmare of PTSD is that one never knows what is going to trigger it. One never knows how one is going to respond in a situation and I have learned to try to keep my triggers at a minimum level. But there are some things that I can not control and tried to do the best I could with this particular incident that has thrown me into full blown PTSD since Monday. I did what my friends told me to by calling the women’s health clinic asking to talk to the Nurse Practioner, telling her my history about being sexually assaulted and why I have not done a pap smear for over five years. I asked for anti anxiety before hand. But they did not hear what I was telling them. You would think that advocating and reaching out and telling medical professionals your truth would be a good thing. That these medical professionals would be supportive and want to help you in any way possible. I thought that the conversation had went well. I thought that we were all on the same page.
It all started when I went to the VA to get my ankle checked out. The Nurse Practitioner noticed that I had not done a pap smear for over five years. I told her that I was there about my ankle. There was a student NP in the room and I was not comfortable talking to the NP any further. She kept pushing the issue. I got mad and said, ” I have not done this in five years because it is really triggering.” Then she joked and was like we could knock you out. I told that sounded great because that would be the only way that I would ever do one. So she told me to get myself prepared, call and make an appointment.
I kicked the idea around for two weeks. I called the VA made one appointment and then called and canceled that one. Then I called back and made another appointment. I reached out to the Military Sexual Trauma Coordinator. I opened up more to the VA then I ever have. I was told last monday that the NP would call me on Wednesday or Thursday of last week. It got to be Friday, I was pissed that I had not heard from the NP. I called to the VA to cancel the appointment. It took me getting loud and angry for them to have the NP to call me back. I told the NP my truth about why I was so scared of the pap smear and pelvic exam. I thought that we were on the same page and there was an understanding to how triggering this exam was to me.
So on Monday, I go for the exam. I start crying. I turn red. I stop breathing and they tell me to keep breathing. I get a massive headache. They give me an ice pack for my back. I get dressed and leave. They take my blood pressure in another room where it is 144/115. I am still crying and cry the rest of the day and night. Tuesday, comes along and I call the VA to talk to the NP. After seeing my reaction of PTSD, they finally prescribe a medication for anti anxiety. So today, I have been on the phone fighting with the VA and telling them that I want to be in the Choice Program and I will never step foot in the VA again. The lady that I talk to says that they will get the ball rolling.
I spend the rest of today crying, talking to the suicide crisis line and talking to a couple of my friends. All of this could have been stopped if they would have fucking listened to me when I said, “This exam is very triggering for me and I am asking for medication. Or better yet, it would have been better to see a real doctor that is a GYN that knows about rape and PTSD.” What happened is fubar and I will never be having another pelvic exam.
So tomorrow, I see my therapist for the second time this week. I have cut my thigh over twenty times because I feel like I am nothing. I want to die. I wish that the bastard who killed me would have just killed me. I wish that I would have cut my wrists and just bleed out. No one can or will respect me. No one believes me about what happened that night at Super 8 hotel. No one gives a damn that the bastard straight up admitted to raping me the email he sent me in 2013. I am tried no one caring about me I am tired of everything being a fucking fight. I am tired of no one listening to me or other survivors. I straight up told them what would happen during this exam and they did not care.
It’s the following Wednesday and I am still triggered. I am still having severe PTSD
I want to kill myself. I have fought with the people on the telephone from Choice Program and they just sent Cary Police Department to my house for a wellness check. I feel like I am being raped all over again and my Post traumatic stress is through the roof. I am sobbing. I sob all of the time . I do not want to be around any one. I contact the Suicide Prevention hotline because I want to die and wish the bastard rapist would have just killed me.
I go to therapy twice a week at Rhonda Chesson’s office which is only five minutes from my house. I do not have to deal with any fucking men. I keep men out of my life. What do I do in a day?
Go to therapy, come home, take a nap, take Giddy for a walk,
Sometimes I go to Pittsboro to do Somatic Psychotherapy
I take my medication Ativan so that I can relax. I listen to healing music and I dance so that the trauma moves through my body.