The Nightmare of Post Traumatic Stress

The nightmare of PTSD is that one never knows what is going to trigger it. One never knows how one is going to respond in a situation and I have learned to try to keep my triggers at a minimum level.  But there are some things that I can not control and tried to do the best I could with this particular incident that has thrown me into full blown PTSD since Monday. I did what my friends told me to by calling the women’s health clinic asking to talk to the Nurse Practioner, telling her my history about being sexually assaulted and why I have not done a pap smear for over five years. I asked for anti anxiety before hand. But they did not hear what I was telling them. You would think  that advocating and  reaching out and telling medical professionals your truth would be a good thing. That these medical professionals would be supportive and want to help you in any way possible. I thought that the conversation had went well. I thought that we were all on the same page.

It all started when I went to the VA to get my ankle checked out. The Nurse Practitioner noticed that I had not done a pap smear for over five years. I told her that I was there about my ankle. There was a student NP in the room and I was not comfortable talking to the NP any further. She kept pushing the issue. I got mad and said, ” I have not done this in five years because it is really triggering.” Then she joked and was like we could knock you out. I told that sounded great because that would be the only way that I would ever do one.  So she told me to get myself prepared, call and make an appointment.

I kicked the idea around for two weeks. I called the VA made one appointment and then called and canceled that one. Then I called back and made another appointment. I reached out to the Military Sexual Trauma Coordinator. I opened up more to the VA then I ever have. I was told last monday that the NP would call me on Wednesday or Thursday of last week. It got to be Friday,  I was pissed that I had not heard from the NP. I  called to the VA to cancel the appointment. It took me getting loud and angry for them to have the NP to call me back.  I told the NP my truth about why I was so scared of the pap smear and pelvic exam.  I thought that we were on the same page and there was an understanding to how triggering this exam was to me.

So on Monday, I go for the exam. I start crying. I turn red. I stop breathing and they tell me to keep breathing. I get a massive headache. They give me an ice pack for my back. I get dressed and leave. They take my blood pressure in another room where it is 144/115. I am still crying and cry the rest of the day and night. Tuesday, comes along and I call the VA to talk to the NP. After seeing my reaction of PTSD, they finally prescribe a medication for anti anxiety.  So today, I have been on the phone fighting with the VA and telling them that I want to be in the Choice Program and I will never step foot in the VA again.  The lady that I talk to says that they will get the ball rolling.

I spend the rest of today crying, talking to the suicide crisis line and talking to a couple of my friends. All of this could have been stopped if they would have fucking listened to me when I said, “This exam is very triggering for me and I am asking for medication. Or better yet, it would have been better to see a real doctor that is a GYN that knows about rape and PTSD.” What happened is fubar and I will never be having another pelvic exam.

So tomorrow, I see my therapist for the second time this week. I have cut my thigh over twenty times because I feel like I am nothing. I want to die. I wish that the bastard who killed me would have just killed me. I wish that I would have cut my wrists and just bleed out.  No one can or will respect me. No one believes me about what happened that night at Super 8 hotel.  No one gives a damn that the bastard straight up admitted to raping me the email he sent me in 2013. I am tried no one caring about me I am tired of everything being a fucking fight. I am tired of no one listening to me or other survivors. I straight up told them what would happen during this exam and they did not care.

It’s the following Wednesday and I am still triggered. I am still having severe PTSD

I want to kill myself. I have fought with the people on the telephone from Choice Program and they just sent Cary Police Department to my house for a wellness check. I feel like I am being raped all over again and my Post traumatic stress is through the roof. I am sobbing. I sob all of the time . I do not want to be around any one.  I contact the Suicide Prevention hotline because I want to die and wish the bastard rapist would have just killed me.

I go to therapy twice a week at Rhonda Chesson’s office which is only five minutes from my house. I do not have to deal with any fucking men. I keep men out of my life. What do I do in a day?

Go to therapy, come home, take a nap, take Giddy for a walk,

Sometimes I go to Pittsboro to do Somatic Psychotherapy

I take my medication Ativan so that I can relax. I listen to healing music and I dance so that the trauma moves through my body.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s