Sensing Ankle

I know you are there,

when you scream so loud,

I am paying attention to you,

When the pain starts,

It takes me back to when,

I fell down the stairs at UC

And broke you,

You remind me of all of

The pain from UC,

Somehow all of the trauma

Has gotten held in you,

Now I touch you,

I feel you throbbing with pain,

I feel the tears well up inside of me,

I feel the nightmares and flashbacks

Coming to the surface,

I feel the anger about what happened

That night in the dorm room,

I know there is still pain that I have

To express,

I know there are things

That I still need to talk about,

I know that I have anger from

The police doing nothing,

I know that my life changed forever

On October 17, 1997,

I know there are many

Let tears that need to come out,

You let me know that I need to

Forgive myself for drinking,

I did not ask for what happened,

It’s not my fault what they did to me.

I did not choose any thing that happened

That night,

 

I have taken time to stay off of you,

I have allowed myself to cry

I have told you that I love you

And hear what you are telling me

Please stop hurting.

I am protecting you now.

I am listening to you now.

 

 

 

Forgiveness

Forgiveness,

One of those things I have heard a

few times from different people through my life,

Many times I got angry, cried and ignored what

they were saying to me,

Pushed people away from me,

I was not in the place to hear about forgiving

myself or them for what they did to me,

 

 

Now, in this moment, I am ready to forgive

myself for what happened when I was

11, 19, 23 and 25,

I know that the things that I hold

on to that keeps me stuck in pain, anger

grief, and from living my life,

I forgive myself for not knowing what I

know now, for not leaving, not fighting him,

believing his threat and not telling

everything he did to me,

I forgive myself for not saying any thing

until I was in high school,

I forgive myself for sleeping around,

I was doing the best to cope with

how I was feeling deep inside,

I thought that by going to a university two hours

away, I could escape the pain that I

felt deep inside,

All I did was stay on campus over the weekend,

Drank alcohol for the first time,

It’s not my fault what they did to me,

It’s not my shame,

I forgive myself for drinking for the first time,

 

I forgive myself for drinking when I was 23,

I was not ready to feel my feelings

so I did the only thing I knew to do,

which was drinking alcohol to numb

all of the pain I was feeling,

I forgive myself for throwing away a year

and half of sobriety away when I was 25,

It’s not my fault what he choose to do

me,

I forgive myself for all of the self-harm and

self-hatred I have put myself through.

None of this was my fault,

They choose to commit a crime

and took what I did not offer,

This was their fault.

There shame,

There betrayal

There violent act.

I work every day to take

back my life, live my life

and forgive myself.

I am so glad that I am able to write,

Because writing is the only way,

I know to get the thoughts out

of my head, to tell my truth

and to continue to heal

one day at a time.

Forgiveness is something

I work at every single day.

 

 

 

 

Broken

 

You set me up to violate me,

You lied to me when you told me that your

Mom was home when she was not,

You showed me porn and you knew that

I just eleven years old and that,

no idea what porn was,

 

You betrayed me,

You did not stop when you were choking me,

And I was sobbing,

You did not stop when you were hurting me,

You did not stop when I was crying,

You did not care what you did to me,

You did not care the pain that you caused,

You knew that I did not want to do what

You were doing to me,

You knew that I was crying and scared,

You did not care the damage you caused

And then you threatened to kill me if I told anyone,

 

You tried to steal my soul away from me

But what you have done is made me stronger

You have made me stronger to fight against

Predators like you,

You have made me find my voice and speak

My truth,

You have made a warrior that shouts my truth

From the roof tops.

I am healing every day and untangling myself

From you,

 

 

Breakthrough,

#breakthrough #loveyourbody #healing #bodyimage #PTSD #CSA #MST #grief  #anger #empowerment #Warrior #truth #speakyourtruth #feeltoheal

Betrayed as A Child

The Journey Back to Myself

Many feelings of betrayal,

Feelings of shame, guilt, loss,

Anger, fear, grief, self hatred,

At times have thought there must

Be something deeply wrong with me

And my body,

I froze,

I left my body and went

Somewhere far away,

My body betrayed me by

Responding to what you were doing

To me,

I wanted nothing to do with what

you were doing to me.

You took so much away

from me that day,

You took my innocence,

You took my virginity,

You took my self-worth

You took my self-esteem,

You took my childhood,

You took my trust in men,

You took my trust in friends,

You threatened to kill me

If I ever spoke of what you

Did to me,

You have caused so much

Pain, anger, grief,

I have started to take my

Power back from you,

I have started to realize

How you groomed me,

I have realized…

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Breaking Free

Breaking free of their power,

Breaking free of their shame,

Breaking free to heal myself,

Breaking free to come back into my body,

Breaking free to speak my truth,

Breaking free to feel my feelings to heal,

Every day, I am breaking free,
Each and every day I am saying, “You no longer

Have control over my life.”

I have nothing to be ashamed of.

You six men where the ones that committed

A heinous crime and tried to destroy my life,

Well you have not succeeded in that,

 

I have told your secrets,

I am putting the shame and blame on you,

With each step I take, I am facing the pain

That I feel deep inside,

With each tear I cry, I am healing,

I am putting the shame where it belongs,

And standing in my power,
I am coming back into my body,

No longer am afraid of you,

And I will continue to tell what you six men did to me,

I am an empowered Warrior who is now coming

After you and making sure that society knows

The damage that rape, victim blaming, does to the survivor,

 

Every step on this journey has mattered,

Every tear, rage, depression, flashback, nightmare, cut and burn

As led me to where I know am,

I have more power then you will ever have and

I stand in my power of being a female goddess and empowered Warrior