Doing The Best I Can

On Friday, my and mom and I left for my relatives house in the Midwest. When she came home from work, I made the mistake of telling her that I wanted to save my money to buy a used car since my Hyundai Sonata I had blew up. My mom became enraged and she said, “How in the hell are you going to afford to buy a car? You do not have a job. You can barely pay me back.” I became really quiet and started crying. Then she said, “I have one more thing to say about this. “When I die, in two years you will have more then a 100,000 and you can do with it what you want.”

For the record, I have been paying her back every month. I give her rent money and the money I owe her for helping me to buy the Sonata. I am service connected with the VA at 100 percent. I did not ask to be raped, emotionally abused, have my career ruined, and retaliated against. I did not ask to live with PTSD, depression, and to self cut. I am doing what I can to find a job. I can not make a company call me to find a job.

I am just really emotionally exhausted and tired of being told, “Just forget it. Move on with your life. Be the same person you were before you left for the Navy.” I have not been the same person I was since I was molested at 11 years old by a family friend. Also, I am tired of having to educate people on the effects of sexual abuse, rape, re victimization, trauma and PTSD.  Also, I have over 200 resumes out to different employers. It’s not like I am not fucking trying.


First Step to Living the Life I Want.

Today I have made my decision to create the life that I want to live. I have many talents and its time that I use these talents to begin a new chapter. I am going to be doing Reiki Jin Kei Do Level 2 Energy Healing. I am using my gift to help people to be able to heal. Also, I have an amazing gift for finding healing music and co creating dance routines. So I am going to be doing this. I am starting my new life today. I am standing in my power and being guided by forces that are leading me down this path.

Chronic Knee Pain


Knee Pain please go away,

I cannot take this pain anymore,

You make doing my job of damage control

That much harder and I have trouble running all

Over the ship to do my job of a damage control petty officer,

You make it hard to run and I cannot run on you,

I cannot do exercises on you,

You bring tears to my eyes,

You make me take over 1,000 milligrams of Motrin,

You make me want to stay off you,

You make me use a knee brace

You make me go to the Medical Department to try to

Get medical care for you only be told, “Here take Motrin.

There is nothing wrong with your knee. You are lying.”

I cannot take this pain anymore.


Knee pain you bring me to the ground,

You have my total attention,

You trigger memories from everything that happened

In the Navy,

You bring my Post Traumatic Stress to the forefront,

You make the tears stream from my eyes,

You make flashbacks come to the surface,

You slow me down and make me listen

To what you are telling me.


I am sending you love,

I hear what you are saying,

I am continuing to heal my knee

And forgiving myself for all of the abuse,


There was nothing that I could do for two years,

I tried to take care of you,

I would go to medical and try to get care,

But all they ever said was here is Motrin,

Do this physical therapy,

There is nothing wrong with you knee,

Keep pushing through the pain.


I would rub icy hot on you,

I would put ice on you,

I would stay off of you when I could,

I would use a knee brace,

I would cry when I went to my rack,

I would struggle to make it up the ladder wells,

I did what I could to take care of you,


Once I was able to, I went to a real medical facility

And found out that yes you were messed up

And had to have surgery to help to heal you,

Part of the bone of lower leg was taken out and

Four screws put in to realign the patella tendon.

I took care of you and went to physical therapy,

I have continued to go to therapy to heal the

Emotional damage that was caused,


Please stop hurting,

I do not know what you want me to do,

I send you love,

I take medicine when you hurt,

I let myself express my feelings,

I talk about the trauma that I have been through,


I rest you when you are really bothering me,

Please know that I will do everything in my power

To take care of you and I am sorry that I put

You through so much abuse.

It was not my choice.

Hyundai Sontana 2006 Rod Knock in Engine (Seized) Over 1,500 complaints online yet no safety recall by Hyundai.

Yesterday (December 12,2107) I was driving on I-40, coming home from shopping. All of the sudden, my car started losing speed, the steering seized up and I was very lucky that I was not killed. I was able to make it into a Starbucks parking lot where I ended up parking at an angle since I was no longer able to control my vehicle. I called to have my car towed to Meineke in Morrisville. A mechanic looked at it, called me and told me that my car engine was blown, that I had oil and it was nothing I had done to cause this damage. He preceded to tell me that there are over 1,000 complaints about these engines seizing while driving. I am very lucky that I was not killed yesterday. I have called Hyundai, Better Business Bureau and North Carolina DOJ to file a complaint about this. The manufacturer has known about this and has done about it. They are messing with people’s lives and putting people in harms way.

Also when I called to file a complaint with Hyudai complaint line, I was treated like I did not matter and was told that they will get to this in 3 to 5 business days. Well getting to this in three to five days does nothing for me when I have to be able to get to work, go to appointments and have no transportation.

I will not be coming up with  4,000  to fix have this repaired when it is a manufacturer defect and they have refused to do the right thing by issuing safety recalls. This is my first and last Hyundai that I will ever own. A company that does not care about their customers safety and the safety of others should not be manufacturing cars period. They are putting drivers lives at risk and there is nothing one can do once the car starts to lose speed, the steering wheel becomes tight and unable to move and the one driving the car, (which was me just hopes that I do not hit any one or get killed myself).