Doing The Best I Can

On Friday, my and mom and I left for my relatives house in the Midwest. When she came home from work, I made the mistake of telling her that I wanted to save my money to buy a used car since my Hyundai Sonata I had blew up. My mom became enraged and she said, “How in the hell are you going to afford to buy a car? You do not have a job. You can barely pay me back.” I became really quiet and started crying. Then she said, “I have one more thing to say about this. “When I die, in two years you will have more then a 100,000 and you can do with it what you want.”

For the record, I have been paying her back every month. I give her rent money and the money I owe her for helping me to buy the Sonata. I am service connected with the VA at 100 percent. I did not ask to be raped, emotionally abused, have my career ruined, and retaliated against. I did not ask to live with PTSD, depression, and to self cut. I am doing what I can to find a job. I can not make a company call me to find a job.

I am just really emotionally exhausted and tired of being told, “Just forget it. Move on with your life. Be the same person you were before you left for the Navy.” I have not been the same person I was since I was molested at 11 years old by a family friend. Also, I am tired of having to educate people on the effects of sexual abuse, rape, re victimization, trauma and PTSD.  Also, I have over 200 resumes out to different employers. It’s not like I am not fucking trying.


At My Limit

At my limit and I can not take another thing. This past year, my mom has undergone chemotherapy treatment, went to the hospital several times for her metastatic breast cancer, been severely sick. My grandmother was put in the hospital for UTI infection that caused her to go crazy. Then she was admitted to behavior unit. We brought her home, next thing we know is that she fell and broke her hip.

Fast forward through the year, these past two months her dementia has become worse which caused her to be admitted to the hospital. She would not eat or drink so she was transferred to hospice. She got a little bit better in Hospice and know is in a nursing home.

Yesterday, I was almost killed when the engine in a Hyundai Sontana froze up. So now I am dealing with this and I am just emotionally done. We have not even bothered to put the Christmas tree this year. No one in my family is feeling the holiday and actually we could care less.  I am emotionally exhausted and tired of this crap.