Most Emotional Day

Yesterday, I get call from Durham VA Medical Center. They tell me that Winston Salem Regional Office has requested another compensation and pension examination for me to prove that I have PTSD due to being raped in the Navy.  Needless to say this did not go over very well with me since I have proved twice by going to these exams and once by the body response I had to pelvic examination. The body does not lie when one has been raped and is triggered into full blown PTSD.

Since that time, I have been going to therapy twice a week. Choice Program called Police and they showed up at my house to do a wellness check for me having suicidal thoughts. Since that day I fight suicidal thoughts every single day, ground in the present and do my best to function. I go to therapy twice a week so that I can heal.  This has triggered me and I have panicked. I was shaking so bad last night and then this morning just sobbed and sobbed. I was on the phone for an hour with crisis line. I am tried of having to prove to people that I have PTSD due to being raped. I am tired of having to prove that I was retaliated against and emotionally abused.  All of this information is in my medical record if these idiots would just read it.

I am deciding do I put myself through this again and all the government to re traumatize me and re victimize me. At this point, I am saying no I will not do that to myself because I respect myself to much to do this to myself again. If they can not read a medical record then screw them. They ruined my career, my life, did nothing to the bastard that raped me and nothing to the chain of command that abused me.  The government owes me for what they did to me.  However, it’s my job to say enough is enough and saying that I see a therapist that cares about my well being. The government has never cared about my well being.  The government has broken me and will never take responsibility for that. Just like the six men that raped me will never take responsibility for what they did to me.

I have to love myself enough to say that this cycle needs and not subject myself to this. That is the line I am drawing in the sand today.  The government owes me a massive settlement check for allowing rape to happen, loss of career, retaliation and emotional abuse. That is a fact.

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