Today has been one of those days. It started off by getting a call from the Winston Salem Regional Office telling me that I need to be reevaluated for C and P. Like some how, magically I do not have flashbacks, nightmares, depression, suicidal thoughts and some how I am magically cured after the two rapes that happened to me in the Navy. That some I am magically better after having a body response in June to a pelvic exam and some how I am magically cured after being told in 2012 that we do not care about what the rapist admitted to in his email.
I go to therapy twice a week. I stay home most of the most because I am afraid to be out in public. When I do go out, it is straight to my therapists office and home or if I am going to dance it’s straight to dance with my friends and home. I do not involve myself with any men and do not let men in my life. I sleep in between four pillows on each side of me. I lock my bedroom door so that no one can come in. I still have massive triggers and do not do well when stress keeps adding up.
This past week, I have broken down and cried every day so far. I have not left my house accept for going to see my therapist. I become so enraged that I threw my phone across the room and almost broke it. PTSD does not get better. I was raped six times. This does not just go away or get magically better.