To the Department of Veteran Affairs
My name is Julie Francine Smoot. I served in the United States Navy from 2003 to 2008. I got a call from you stating that I must come in for re evaluation for PTSD due to Military Sexual Trauma. I will not be sitting down to have a conversation about this and I will not be re victimized, retaliated against, emotionally abused and re traumatized. I have proved that I have PTSD due to be being raped by a third class petty officer on Jan 17, 2004. I did not ask to be raped. He took what was not offered when I was passed out from drinking to much. then when I went to the chain of command, I was told that it was my fault and that I was the one that had a problem. Within two days the retaliation started when the chain of command ordered me to go talk to a Drug and Alcohol Chief. First thing the Chief told me, was that it was my fault that the third class raped me.
I have proved the retaliation that I occurred on a daily basis, standing extra watches, told that I was fat, sent to fitness enhancement program, no care for my knee, not allowed to leave the ship to go to therapy appointments at Rape crisis center, told that I was lying about my knee being hurt, being denied medical care and mental health care, sent to captains mast, XIO and to anger management class with men who abused there wives. I have proved that I have been emotionally abused by the chain of command and now by the Department of Veteran Affairs. I have proved that I have nightmares, flashbacks, hyper-vigilance, fear, depression, grief, rage, have cut my arms and thighs, burned my arms and have suicidal thoughts every freaking day. I can not sleep during the night. I take Ativian to keep my anxiety under control. I keep my stress level low so that the PTSD is not as bad as it right now.
I have proved that I can not work or function in society because I do not feel safe and have PTSD from the hell my chain of command has put me through, NCIS and now the VA. I have proved that there are days when I do not even leave my house. I have called the VA suicide hotline seven times since Thursday, when I was informed that I must come into have another C and P examination. Well I will not be coming in, when it is documented in my medical record that the VA is unsafe place for me and that I am in the Choice Program with a provider that actually cares about me.
In May, I came to the VA to get my ankle examined. During that examination the Nurse Practitioner looked at my chart and noticed that it had been five years since I had pelvic exam. She wanted me to do this examination at that time. I told her there was no way. She pushed it again and then I told that these exams trigger all of the memories. She did not hear me and pushed the issue again. Once again I told her no. On the way out she asked me to make an appointment with her. I kicked it around for two weeks before I called to make this appointment. I was very scared and nervous. My friends told me to advocate for myself by calling the VA and telling them my history. I did that and asked for anti anxiety medication before hand. This fell on deaf ears. I went to my appointment.
During the examination, I got severely triggered. I stopped breathing. I turned red. I got a massive headache. They gave me an ice pack to put on my shoulders. I was crying. Then they took my blood pressure and it was 154/115. I told them that I needed to get out of there. The rest off the day, I was crying and very upset. The following day, I called and asked for anti anxiety medication and know all of the sudden they cared about me and knew that I was not lying about being raped because of the body response I had and that was PTSD.
The NP then told me that she was going to put me in the Choice program. They put me in the Choice Program. I had to wait close to a month to get an appointment. During that time they sent Cary Police Department to my house to do a wellness check because I have become suicidal. I finally got an appointment and see Rhonda Chesson twice a week.
Since this call from Compensation and Pension on Thursday, I have been severely triggered again. I have been going from crying, to feeling like I am nothing but a worthless pussy, to being enraged. I packed the remaining Navy Shit I have and put it in a box to Kirsten Gillibrand. I want nothing left that reminds me of the Navy and do not consider myself a veteran any more. I am done proving that I was raped over and over again. All you have to do is read my medical records. I will not subject myself to another C and P exam that is re-traumatizing and re victimizing. I will not tell my story again and I am really considering cutting the VA completely out of my life. I have already gotten rid of everything that says I served this country. It is sad that the VA has made me this angry and has made me feel like I am nothing but a pussy that deserves nothing.
I will not be putting myself through another evaluation. Everything you need is in my medical records. I proved that yes I was raped by the email the rapist sent me in 2013, where he straight up admitted to raping me and NCIS still did nothing. It’s been nothing but betrayal after betrayal, after abuse after abuse and I am done being a punching bag. I am done being a victim that you people continue to abuse. Also at this point, I do not care if I lose my compensation. Everything you need is in my medical records. There is no reason to sit down and have a conversation. There is no need to go through all of the details again.
I guess I will just be another veteran living on the street because of your failure to take care of me and the continued abuse you put sexual assault survivors through. I am done jumping through your hoops. I am done being your punching bag. I will be making a national media story out of this.
In the last letter I mailed to Winston Salem I included my Veteran ID. I am done being a Veteran and I am done with the DOD, VA or any government agency.