The Nightmare of PTSD

A post from what happened to me back in June/July.

 

The nightmare of PTSD is that one never knows what is going to trigger it. One never knows how one is going to respond in a situation and I have learned to try to keep my triggers at a minimum level.  But there are some things that I can not control and tried to do the best I could with this particular incident that has thrown me into full blown PTSD since Monday.

One would think that reaching out and telling medical professionals your truth would be a good thing. That these medical professionals would be supportive and want to help you in any way possible. I thought that the conversation had went well. I thought that we were all on the same page.

It all started when I went to the VA to get my ankle checked out. The Nurse Practitioner noticed that I had not done a pap smear for over five years. I told her that I was there about my ankle. There was a student NP in the room and I was not comfortable talking to the NP any further. She kept pushing the issue. I got made and said, ” I have not done this in five years because it is really triggering.” Then she joked and was like we could knock you out. I told that sounded great because that would be the only way that I would ever do one.  So she told me to get myself prepared, call and make an appointment.

I kicked the idea around for two weeks. I called the VA made one appointment and then called and canceled that one. Then I called back and made another appointment. I reached out to the Military Sexual Trauma Coordinator. I opened up more to the VA then I ever have. I was told last monday that the NP would call me on Wednesday or Thursday of last week. It got to be Friday,  I was pissed that I had not heard from the NP. I  called to the VA to cancel the appointment. It took me getting loud and angry for them to have the NP to call me back.  I told the NP my truth about why I was so scared of the pap smear and pelvic exam.  I thought that we were on the same page and there was an understanding to how triggering this exam was to me.

So on Monday, I go for the exam. I start crying. I turn red. I stop breathing and they tell me to keep breathing. I get a massive headache. They give me a ice pack for my back. I get dressed and leave. They take my blood pressure in another room where it is 144/115. I am still crying and cry the rest of the day and night. Tuesday, comes along and I call the VA to talk to the NP. After seeing my reaction of PTSD, they finally prescribe a medication for anti anxiety.  So today, I have been on the phone fighting with the VA and telling them that I want to be in the Choice Program and I will never step foot in the VA again.  The lady that I talk to says that they will get the ball rolling.

I spent the rest of today crying, talking to the suicide crisis line and talking to a couple of my friends. All of this could have been stopped if they would have fucking listened to me when I said, “This exam is very triggering for me and I am asking for medication. Or better yet, it would have been better to see a real doctor that is a GYN that knows about rape and PTSD.” What happened is fubar and I will never be having another pelvic exam.

So tomorrow, I see my therapist for the second time this week. I have cut my thigh because I feel like I am nothing. No one can or will respect me. I feel like I am just a walking piece of meat that no one cares about.  I am tired of everything being a fucking fight. I am tired of no one listening to me or other survivors. I straight up told them what would happen during this exam and they did not care.

It’s the following Wednesday and I am still triggered. I am still having severe PTSD

I want to be able to sue the VA and Military to get the pay back to the day when I was raped, lost my career, emotionally abused, retaliated against, betrayed, emotionally abused,

Everything that happened this week is FUBAR and I should have been taking care of by the VA. I should have a CHOICE IN WHO MY PROVIDER IS. I SHOULD HAVE A CHOICE OF WHAT MEDICAL FACILITY I GO TO. I SHOULD HAVE REAL INSURANCE AND NOT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE FUCKING VA.  I DID NOT ASK TO BE RAPED, RETALIATED AGAINST, LOSE MY CAREER, HAVE MY LIFE CHANGED FOREVER., LIVE WITH COMPLEX PTSD, NOT ABLE TO WORK.

THE MILITARY AND VA SHOULD HAVE TO PAY PAIN AND SUFFERING!! SURVIVORS SHOULD BE ABLE TO SUE THESE IDIOTS.

 

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