Forgiveness

Forgiveness,

One of those things I have heard a

few times from different people through my life,

Many times I got angry, cried and ignored what

they were saying to me,

Pushed people away from me,

I was not in the place to hear about forgiving

myself or them for what they did to me,

 

 

Now, in this moment, I am ready to forgive

myself for what happened when I was

11, 19, 23 and 25,

I know that the things that I hold

on to that keeps me stuck in pain, anger

grief,  and from living my life,

I forgive myself for not knowing what I

know now, for not leaving,  not fighting him,

believing his threat and not telling

every thing he did to me,

I forgive myself for not saying any thing

until I was in high school,

I forgive myself for sleeping around,

I was doing the best to cope with

how I was feeling deep inside,

I thought that by going to a school  two hours

away, I could escape the pain that I

felt deep inside,

All I did was stay on campus over the weekend,

Drank alcohol for the first time,

 

It’s not my fault what they did to me,

It’s not my shame,

 

I forgive myself for drinking for the first time,

 

I forgive myself for drinking when I was 23,

I was not ready to feel my feelings

so I did the only thing I knew to do,

which was drinking alcohol to numb

all of the pain I was feeling,

I forgive myself for throwing away a year

and half of sobriety when I was 25,

It’s not my fault what he choose to do

me,

I forgive myself for all of the self harm and

self hatred I have put myself through.

None of this was my fault,

They choose to commit a crime

and took what I did not offer,

This was there fault.

There shame,

There betrayal

There violent act.

I work every day to take

back my life, live my life

and forgive myself.

I am so glad that I am able to write,

Cuz writing is the only way,

I know to get the thoughts out

of my head, to tell my truth

and to continue to heal

one day at a time.

 

 

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s